Unplugged..pages in time

2010-01-07T07:16:00.000-08:00

Lacoste, Fitflop, starbucks and me...

Today is heavy. I am compelled to buy a new bag for my office use as the one I am currently using is so big and put some strain on my shoulders. Beside with the new notebook i got, it would put an enormous amount of effort to carry my Esprit semi leather tote and the HP carry all bag. Gosh! They’re both herculean, to put some sense to it.

As my shopping day drew nearer, I found myself wondering and deciding heavily on what kind of bag would i finally buy. My eyes were focused on a simple Lacoste canvass tote and had even asked a dear friend of mine, which I aptly called Mother Cora, to accompany me in buying the bag since she has a Lacoste discount card. It would make a difference buying in cash with a ten percent discount!

And so after lunch, i scurried to the mall like some mall rats do, to look for the bag i wanted and then meet Mother Cora later so that i can use the discount card. First stop was the Lacoste accessories store near Marks and Spencer. Their collection weren’t the ones i wanted and so i went to Rustan’s and check out the Lacoste section. Voila! I found one that i like but they don’t they have the color that i need. For bags, i always a prefer the classic black no matter what. Theirs was light blue! Disaster! But the saleslady was kind enough to refer me again to the their accessory shop and so i went, to no avail. As i continue to scheming around the mall, there it was! The Fitflop that i have been dying to have since i saw it last year in Rockwell. The thought of the bag had immediately been erased on my mind as i asked the salesman to get a size 7. Yikes! He said they don’t have 7 but 8. So i tried the 8, jet black suede. Fitting was okey. It felt so good on my aching feet but then again, i have never bought shoes or flops that were exactly fitted on my feet. I always get at least half or one size bigger coz for me, its more comfy. And so the salesman got me the next size and finally, after a series of checks, inspection and walk-overs, bought the sandals. Fitflop, as advertised have work out benefits and has been scientifically made to cater the needs of people with busy lifestyle. Oprah and other Hollywood stars have been using said sandals. I have visited their website and have even asked another dear friend to get me one but you can only order it on line. Oh well, just in case Dette finally got an order, i hope she got the brown one as i already have the black.

As trivial as it may sound, i couldn’t possibly ignore the fact that sometimes, shopping can be so damn hard and complicated. I hope i wouldn’t be branded as a shopaholic! Hey! I’ve watched the movie, and it’s so far from my reality. Not even close!

My caramel frap is almost empty. Lines inside Starbucks were filing up. I still have one appointment to meet, our monthly prescon will commence in a little while. I hope my prescon groupie will appreciate my story of the day. I t wouldn’t be a Pulitzer, but it sure is something to ponder. Or maybe LOL with friends who love TO SHOP UNTIL THEY DRIP! Or DROP!

Hahahahahahahaha!

Peace out!

2010-01-04T17:06:00.000-08:00

On the 3rd day, God made me smile..

I had a fair share of what was in store this first Month of 2010. Just on the 3rd day, things were impossibly hectic. Back to back choir performances coupled with unexpected requests from the outside, birthdays, sleepless soirees, blog updates ( which Im glad), and the impending work schedules that is going to be erratic.

Life proved to be so rewarding as in the middle of all these, i found myself smiling, sometimes from no reason at all. Aaahhh..SMILE. Just a verb that suggests so many semantics.

I smiled because there hasn't been any single text that could ruin my day but messages that tickles even the most patethic bone of my body.

I smiled because i got some gifts from people i did not expected to received.

I smiled because i have seen some TV soaps i have forgotten a long time ago.

I smiled because the pain from my plantar fascitis seems to be ebbing down.

I smiled knowing that my friends have finally made amends with each other

I smiled knowing that my prayer life and my pastoral works are growing each day.

I smiled contemplating that each passing day, there will be more blessings and graces from God.

I smiled searching for the right reasons from situations that presents each day.

I smiled each time the sun rises through the eastern horizon and filters through my window.

I smiled because God wants me to.

So, what are you waiting for?.... SMILE!

2010-01-01T08:56:00.000-08:00

Embracing the Year of the Tiger...

We just finished our usual session in our " batcave" celebrating the New Year. The night before this shindig, we earnestly went through our respective families after the New Year Mass and ate our tradtional Media Noche. The festive mood reverberated through out the whole world and here in the Philippines, we had our own way of celebrating the dawn of the Year of the Tiger.

Fr. Jimmy's homily was remarkable, profound and moving. January, he said was coined after Janus or Januarius ( i hope i got it right) the Greek God who had two heads facing either side. The catch was that, on the other side, we are looking at the passsing year with all the blessings we had received and eventually leaving behind whatever misfortunes and eventualities that happened, and on the other side, we are fervently discerning the future we might face, yet also yearning the kind of life we wanted to continue with the grace of God.

I received a lot of text messages from my friends and families from all over the globe. Instant messages that depicted love. warmth, and sincerity. I replied in a way that I wished them the same thing. There were also messages that rekindles old flames of the heart and somehow, I was invariably happy yet longing the same old feelings. I could only hope and pray.

Tonite, the first of January, we reminisced happy moments in our lives. Over 32 bottles or more of SML's ( not to mention the load we had last night) we were so jubilant and ecstatic about own individual aspirations. In fact, plans have been made for the first quarter of the year and we hope we could do it all. We are definitely looking forward to our Parish New Year's Ball slated on the 22nd. We are excited not only for the fact that we are gaining grounds in our own pastoral works but also in our personal lives.

Life is what you make it. This year, I maybe making another niche not only in my duties as PPC President, but a new person. I may have another role in the coming political exercise and i want make a change or at least be a part of that change. Fo whatever its worth, my conviction still stand for the things that i believed in, whether its painful or not. The most important thing is that i believed and carries the same faith that all will go well.

Wouldn't you agree?

2009-12-30T08:47:00.000-08:00

Prelude to 2010...

2009 was an amazing year. I am still the Pastoral President of our Parish Pastoral Council. I still have my old job as a Training Consultant. I still have the same loving, supportive and at times wacky family. My dearest friends have been there all through out the way. I have gained more friends along the way and have reconnected with my old classmates both in highschool and college.

Some of the highlights of the passing year was the uberly successful Grand Alumni Homecoming that our high school batch have hosted. Everything in it were the first, from the phenomenal low priced tickets, loads of raffle prizes, remarkable presentations, not to mention the usual bickerings and petty quarrels within our batch. The almost 4 years of preparation, endless meetings and misunderstanding have paid off.

Next, the adjacent lot intended for the expansion of our little church was finally purchased and eventually, the near renovation is already underway. Our Christmas project, this time, wreaths and Santa faces adorned the four corners of our Swiss chalet-inspired church. Parishioners were very receptive and supportive to the cause. The very first Macau trip of our parish have been amazing too. Relationship were built and strengthened. Pilgrimage were awesome and shopping was tremendous! Looking forward to another trip next year, maybe in Ars, France, the birth place of St. John Mary Vianney, our Patron Saint and all of the clergy. This year's jubilee proved to be so rewarding as we have finished the exhibit hall intended for Lolo Johnny. We rallied over its completion, sweating blood and tears, even frustrations.

The heat of both national and local political scene have taken its toll. Some of my dearest friends have decided to try their luck aiming for a position as a public servant. I could only wish them the very best of luck, but i have my own position to fill in and perform. And I wont tell.

As for me, its been a healthy year. No major illness except for the usual that OTC can muster, and the painful plantar fascitis that i developed over the years. I am coping and I guess will continue to have semi annual steroid injections for my right foot. Theraphy was not an option for me because of my freaking schedules and surgery to release the plantar fascia is still questionable.

Personally, i have been wanting to be with somebody to share all these things but unfortunately, there isn't someone available. I don't know but one thing I'm sure of is that someday, there will be one special someone. I just couldn't tell when.

Another beginning...

2009-12-28T19:05:00.001-08:00

It's been ages since my last post...I have tried flexing my fingers again but my impossible schedule and the unavailability of a notebook prevented me from doing so. Now, with my new notebook, i will be able to write again with ease and gusto..

A lot things have happened in the passing year and it has transformed more than what i have expected. I have lost friends and gained new ones. I would say i have evolved graciously in a way that is expected of me. My spiritual growth have reached new heights and is still continuing to explore new boundaries.

As the new year arrives, please journey with me in another pages of my life...and bear with me for my inevitable shortcomings...

flexing my fingers again...

2008-10-07T23:21:00.000-07:00

wow!..its been a long time, really.

what have been up to me lately? oh well, times have changed, as always, and i'm not telling! lolz!

i'm sure most of you who have visited my site, i meant this blog site will surely want a piece of me...

i could now hear the guffaws of some of my treasured friends like Watever and berkey and carlo and gobby, and noey and others, who once tickled my funny bone, just to make spill the beans...

missed you guys really..

i promised, i will write again..i owe it to myself...

The White Consecration...

2007-07-06T06:53:00.000-07:00

It was indeed the grace of God.

The recent reorganization of our parish pastoral council clearly reflected God’s loving presence through the Holy Spirit. Just imagine myself heading the council in an unprecedented ceremony during a solemn mass last June 26. I have never expected it though. When I finally unscrolled the small piece of paper, my heart pounded so fast that I almost fainted. There were cheers among the crowd but it wasn’t enough to appease my surprised being. Then suddenly, it dawned on me. I was chosen and I have to abide. I believed there was a purpose why God has chosen me to lead the parish pastoral council and for whatever reasons it maybe, I have no intention of backing out, nor chicken out.

First stop. The first year anniversary of our church dedication and consecration. A meeting was held with our neophyte council at the helm. It wasn’t so tough at all since most of the attendees were dedicated church workers who have proven their worth in every activity in the church. Besides, I have the full backing of our parish priest, Rev. Fr. Jimmy Marquez and his Vicar, Fr. Juanito Arroco. The anniversary went on as planned and without a glitch. People were happy though I know there were still who cannot be pleased during the process. Normal. And I could live with it.

Nest stop, the white party in Malate. Seeing my friends once again in this annual celebration of gay pride all over the world helped me in finding my way back to sanity. Donned in my usual jeans and white sleeveless top, I enjoyed the assortment of LGBT crowd who flocked the red district. It was my second year of the pride since I joined various LGBT sites on line. It was also a sort of a reunion with some of my friends from the defunct Fab site. Seeing them brought back fondest memories and there were lots of catching up to do. I have met new friends too and have my share of wackiness and naughty gestures. The only thing that kept us drab, wet and wild is the insidious rain that night but it never let our spirits down. The fun, dances, guffaws, babbles and baubles were still evident and overflowing. It was another success story in the Philippine gay scene.

That Sunday mass, I met Onak afterwards. We had dinner and gave him the LV luggage and Lacoste gym bag that he will use in his trip to Singapore. I realized that he has become more open in our conversation especially when it comes to his family affairs. And I love it. His honesty made him more closer and endearing to me. Indeed, the past week was full of surprises and I hope and pray that it will continue to surprise me the way I wanted it to be.

Thanks God that I finally found the time to update my blogs.

And I know why…

From oasis to crisis intervention...

2007-06-24T23:20:00.000-07:00

I have missed the EB of Fabs last June 23 @ BBB because of prior commitment. Duty calls. I have to conduct a Teambuilding seminar for Batch ’76 of FABC as per request (more of insistence) of my darling sister! It was fun though coz I get to know more of the senior batches of my former school and mingle with them on a personal basis. The most exciting part is seeing the amazing chicken farm of the Mercado’s, since Madam Nitz is also an alumna of the former.

The sprawling 3-hectare farm cum vacation retreat is awesome. Hundreds of fruit bearing trees like coconuts, duhat, rambutans, mangoes, and others lined up the pathways. A pool and a lagoon were situated strategically for the guests. A conference hall is equipped with the latest gadgets in AV presentation. Several air-conditioned villas were scattered around the area compete with amenities. I get to stay in the main villa with the owner since I am the guest lecturer. Oh well, it goes with the perks of the job, I guessed.
Oh and the food? They brought in their own cook from the Grand Villa with several helpers to cater for all our needs. Now were talking…

My community-based experience in organization and implementation clearly made an edge in conducting this seminar. Dealing with older participants with different backgrounds, educational attainment and core values is not so easy. I have made few adjustments to my approach and it paid off. Somehow, it did help them to be closer as team members of their organization and defined their individual roles. The inner conflicts they had were discussed and closure was made. Dr. Canapi, another lecturer also made an invaluable contribution to the success of the seminar.

The next day was wacky. Preparations went underway for the birthday celebration of Madam Nitz. The caterers arrived early and transformed the area into a lush oasis. I had my time to swim while others were busy making their morning reveille like jogging and the likes.

I had a great time. Not since after breakfast.

I received an early text from Ma’am Kiks informing me that Regine, onak’s sister is in need of blood for transfusion. I nearly panicked! She was suffering from blood loss since last Saturday due to hormonal imbalance. I figured since I wasn’t receiving any messages from Onak. He’s way much too busy and maybe tense. Luckily, that day, a friend of mine, Mimi, arrived also to attend the celebration since she is working for Madam. And to top my luck, she was with Arnel, from a voluntary blood bank operating in Makati. I told them my dilemma and voila! Help is already on the way! I called up Ma’am Kiks and informed her about the arrangements I made.
On my way home, Onak finally texted me and was thanking me for my help. It was nothing. In fact, I never did anything. It was my friends who did most of the part. I wanted to visit them in the hospital but I am so tired and sleepy plus I’d still have to fix my things. I’m sure they wouldn’t mind coz I could go first thing in the morning or after office hours. Good thing is, Regine’s kinda’ okay now since transfusion is continuously going.

It is my fervent prayer that the Biñas, especially Onak will be able to pass these trying times once again.

I told him I am just a fone call away…

As always…

GOTCHA! let the games begin...

2007-06-17T22:11:00.000-07:00

“Where the hell are you?!” came the text message from Watever. “Coming…!” was the only reply I manage to make.

It was Saturday so my routine schedule would be the same stressing morning jog around The Fort; Ipod clad savoring Madz Acclamation pieces, hearty breakfast at Krispy Kreme, Jollibee and McDonalds (which ever comes first!) then my usual 8 minute abs work out. The Folgers French vanilla coffee is still brewing in the coffee maker waiting for return. As I return home, another text messages came pouring in. I’d still have to attend the funeral mass of Dadsy Juanito Ariones, another family friend and sing during the mass. Met co-choir members along the way and to our surprise, we were only four guys ( oh well, gays) present, not to mention Ate Dorie and Ate Delia who just helped us operate the Technics 1600 organ. Therefore, we called ourselves Il Divet! However, we managed to accompany the funeral mass with endearing songs.

I frantically rushed into our rendezvous area, and saw Wat’s car parked along the highway with backlights blinking. Without much talk, I entered his car and we proceeded to the Mandaluyong Sports Arena. Though traffic has begun, our usual guffaws were heard inside and stories were told and retold. Excited as we are, we arrived in the area as scheduled and met the Fabs gang and other clans as well. As usual, the pleasantries were hilarious nonetheless sweet and accommodating in our standards.

The troops kept arriving by the minute and every time they flocked in, there were always some funny remarks that would welcome them. That is pretty normal among us. It wouldn’t be fabulous if we lack those self-serving compliments and wacky jokes every time we meet. Life would be utterly boring and impossible without those nerve-wracking and irresistibly well-planned rhetoric’s and Bollywood dialogues. Yes, there were always be some repulsive and prima donna attitude but we couldn’t care less. Duh?!

After an hour so of obvious provocation, teasing, show offs, sweet hesitation, the 2nd G4M Inter Clan Sports Fest finally started. A simple parade around the arena, team introductions, anthems and doxology were done and the games began.
Volleyball was first on the line up and were up against G2G. It wasn’t so tough. Sometimes being a Fab member has its own collateral damage to consider! We lost the game during the last set, but the bottom line is, we enjoyed every moment of it. And that was all that matters. Esprit de corp! Team spirit! We may have lost every single game there is, but the thought of seeing your dear friends , meeting new ones, and basically having fun, losing yourself and at the top of the world made it all worthwhile!
I believed Fabs took the limelight during the badminton games and so I was told. Though we were still there when it started as a support to the players. No matter what the results are, it all boils down to one thing, we are one big happy family!
I couldn’t help but make mention of the efforts of the people who had helped forged this friendship game a resounding success! My kudos and laurels to them!
The fondest memories of this sport fest will forever be installed in the hearts and minds of every LGBT community who supported this annual gathering.

May our tribe increase!

Oh well, I’m not telling but someone had smitten me over during the games...

Are we totally FREE?

2007-06-12T21:49:00.000-07:00

Today marks the 109th PHILIPPINE INDEPENDENCE DAY. This is also the day were we commemorate our NATIONAL FLAG DAY. Two significant dates that represent the sovereignty of our race as Filipinos yet somehow, there were talks that this day did not matter at all. For instance, it is a working holiday since the government changed the original slot to Monday for a requisite long weekend that irked the surviving family of General Emilio Aguinaldo. Though appropriate, there were separate celebrations all over the country from Luneta to Kawit, to the lowly front porch of small thriving barangay in the slums. Big and small flaglets were hoisted around the country but it didn’t seem to reflect the significance of this day.

A series of long filibusters were being given during the celebration. From PGMA to VP Kabayan and even Chief Justice Puno had his time to shine. They were all describing the true essence of FREEDOM—freedom from poverty, oppression, extra-judicial killings, election fraud and the likes. Yet, amidst the celebration, there were throngs of protesters shouting reforms. Police were having a hard time preventing them to penetrate the area and even gestured to more violent approaches. Another bloody altercation ensued. Another lives lost. Another cold case in the making.

Bemusing as it is, are we really free as a nation? As Filipinos? As a human race? There were more to it than meets the eye. I for one could not possibly comprehend the real definition of freedom in my own terms and turf. Undoubtedly, for exaggerating political luminaries and opposition, they too could not discern its meaning. What they could actually offer are empty promises and instability brought by their unending hymn of mudslinging and worthless propaganda.

Sad and sickening, our freedom is measured by the number of times we eat in a day, the rate of dollar (and other foreign currency for that matter) against our dwindling peso, the skyrocketing ratio of inflation and GDP, the on and off roll-back of fuel prices, the widening gap between the rich and the poor, the increasing rate of unemployment and underemployment, the massive spread and proliferation of political killings, kidnappings, terrorism attacks and corruption. These and all made up the parameters of inching the success rate of fully understanding what freedom is all about.

I may sound an idealist with an over blown ego for things that are devious in nature but hey! These are harsh realities of what a typical Filipino must cope up with in his everyday existence in this under rated country. And what have I’ve done so far? Just blabber about these? Comment about that? What do you think I could possibly do?

And why am I the only one thinking about these self-serving brandishment? I wouldn’t want to play on the safe side as these affect me whether I like it or not. And so are you. It pains me to think that, as much as I wanted to, my hands are tied up so tight to give those guys a real shake on their necks, that I could only open my mouth and shout at them at the top of my voice just to be heard and seen! And my pen, oh well, the keyboard on my PC is one weapon I could use to spread the realities that has been plaguing us since Gen. Aguinaldo waved the Philippine flag at the balcony of his home.

I remember one movie I have seen in the states about two rival schools on their quest for being the best debaters. “Listen to me”, yes, that is. A small national high school is fitted against Harvard brats and the judges were no less than the JUSTICES OF THE SUPREME COURT OF THE UNITED STATES. To cut the story short, Kirk Cameron and his partner, Jami Gertz from that obscured high school captured the attention of the judges and won the debate. Their approach was simple yet fresh and moving. In addition, it was education.

And how does that fit in to this observation?

Veritatis simplex oratio est. The language of truth is simple. When we know the truth of everything, when we learn to say the truth of everything, and when we have the courage to say the truth of everything, then and only then, we could muster to change everything around us.

Before this day, I had a nice unexpected pig out session with Onak. It was raining then and there is nothing to do. At Kamay Kainan, an eat-all-you-can resto, we met few friends from my work and two city councilors whom I gathered had been the principal sponsors in a wedding of I-don’t-know who. Pleasantries were exchanged with simple introductions. We were just elbows away from their table so we kept our voices low since politics were our first agenda that time. Onak learned the truth about the ins and outs of a councilor’s busy, demanding and intriguing life. He got it all from me. I never told him any misleading concept because I know it would only lead to confusion and more questions. Besides, I wanted to change the topic as soon as we start digging into our food.

Whatever notion he developed after he learned the truth, is not my fault. Whatever belief he harbored, I could never deny. Whatever emotions he felt, I could not complain nor detest. What is important is that I have given him an insight of what kind of life these politicians lead and how this would affect people.

My lips are sealed as Tito Maurice Arcache says in his newspaper column.

Oh well, mine is still up for grabs!

Quagmire of holding back yet holding on...

2007-06-07T21:17:00.000-07:00

It is safe for me to say that right now, I am exclusively dating. Oh well, for some obvious reasons, that could be the most vivid definition of what has been going on between Onak and me. No more, no less.

Two weeks back, we watched the third installment of The Pirates of the Caribbean, at worlds End. It was an unexpected meet up since originally we were scheduled the next day. However, since there were some last minute changes in his busy routine, we decided to go on with the game plan. I almost had a transient ischemic attack when my celfone gave up on me on the way to the cinema since I haven’t really asked him our meet up area. Thanks God the cab driver was so good to let me borrow his celfone and texted Onak along the way. And so Pirate it was…

After a weekend get away with my presscon groupie in Tagaytay, and a nice morning jog over the green areas, not to mention our usual text messages, another set of reality checks poured in. Work was excruciatingly boring except for some log in sessions with Fabs, email rundowns, blog updates and the likes. The Ube jam with macapuno and his favorite ube dimples were stuck in the ref waiting to be handed down in our next meet up. Our schedules were supposed to coincide with each other, more especially on his part since he had started rehearsing with TP and UST singers, plus his Korean tutorials and other civic duties.

And so finally, we met last night. Nevertheless, before that, I received, again, the most affirming and profound text message from him. I was in the middle of our choir practice when this message appeared on my fone, and I quote:

“Who’s afraid of being alone? I am. Being alone is dark, heavy, sad and sorrowful yet so light and peaceful… Strange but that is the sad reality of it. I am so afraid the reason why I am sending you this…I don’t want you to be alone. Take care… “

I almost cried. I didn’t know what to say. I grasp for the right words but there was none. My mind was running on empty. My heart was pounding so fast. Then I asked my best friend how he would react to such kind of situation. He gave me an honest reply that somehow left me more dazed. Then, suddenly, I replied to the text,

“Thank you…I won’t be because I know you’ll be there no matter how far you are…be well…”

I hope it was right.

I slept late that night. The following morning, sunshine was chirpily roaming the windows of my room. This is the day, I guessed. Thursday is my private day at the office since I would be in the shipping company training seasoned Chief Stewards and Messman. A very long day loomed over. During breaks, I checked my fone for some messages since were not allowed to bring it inside the training room. I got few and the usual from him. I replied and asked about our meet up. I got a warm reply yet unsure because he had one more task to finish either in CCP or from his from old high school. He said he will text me.

I went home, tired and hoping. As I was taking my customary nap, a text came. It was him. And so were on to go with our meet up. For a change, we agreed to meet up at Rockwell Power plant but since Regine and Piolo’s flick wasn’t showing in there, we opted to G4 instead. I know, my choice of movie was so cheesy but I really wanted to see the film and he agreed. We settled for the last full show and then had dinner first at Chef’s. I was really dying to get my teeth on the shrimp ceasar salad again and he ordered chicken fettuccine. Chef is always crowded during those busy hours but we managed to find a comfortable area of our own. Since he was not really a veggie person, he transferred some of the champignons and shiitake mushroom plus a handful of the pasta over the extra plate the waiter gave us. Somehow, the idea struck a certain chord in me that I made a teasing gesture of shaking my head. He kinda’ blurted out some irritating words which took me by surprise! Silence crept in. I was digging in my salad and he started talking…

“Are you okay? I just don’t like being makulit like my mom…”Baka naman dinibdib mo yung sinabe ko?”

I said I’m okay and wanted to reason out more but I kept my cool. I don’t wanna’ ruin this dinner over some crap fettuccine but I managed to say my piece in a while, knowing how vocal and opinionated I am. And that was it. The petty fight was over. It sure is funny that somehow, certain mundane things tend to go on your way and in your nerves.

We still have less than an hour to spend before curtain call so we decided to scheme around and look for a white sneaker that he could bring in Singapore for his opera concert come July. Window-shopping is one of my best areas that we finally decided on the comfy Diesel piece we saw.

A quarter before eight, we decided to go inside the movie house and looked for a nice spot. Then he asked if I wanted Taters popcorn, with some sweet hesitation, I said yes. How girlish! He got me one and the movie started.

We had a great time. The movie wasn’t really cheesy after all. It was a feel good movie.

Moral?

I could never discern it but what I understood is that love conquers all. No matter how hard the situation may seem to be, there will always be a room for another chance. We may try to hold back our true feelings, but in the end, it will surely go back to the same person we have fallen hard with and had helped made us a better person.

Sometimes, holding on could help us realize that we dont want to be alone.

And now this sounds familiar…

Then, a text came,

“Ingat din, I had a nice time”…

And so did I…

PINK PIRATES invades Mindanao!

2007-05-29T23:07:00.000-07:00

It wasn’t really the end of neither the world nor the tragic great deluge; it was just another fabulous event from the elite group of the pink community. As a last ditch effort to spend the summer in a blast, Fabs organized a swimming EB in one of their friends posh resort house at the heart of Quezon City. It wasn’t an easy feat, for you know how picky, choosy and uberly “maarte” the members are! Hahahahahahahahahaha!

But then, with all the prodding, smooching and even ass-kicking strategies, throngs of attendees gathered in the said event! We came in early, as expected and started sprucing up the place. It started to drizzle and continued to down pour. What a great day to frolic and play in the pool! As the night wore on, Fab people came in by bundles! The barbecue was grilling, lite beers were flowing and the videoke gangsters were belting out familiar songs!

The most exciting part was the display of bodies…sexy bodies clad in their skimpy swimwear! It was like the Mossimo or Body Shots tilts! Of course there were the traditional board shorts and puruntongs, but the mere fact the everyone was having a good time and mingling with each other made it irrelevant, even incognito. Even the footwear was an array of colors and brands to choose from! Havaianas, Crocs, Islanders? Nike’s, Adidas and what-have-you’s!

There were also new faces, not from the group, but seeming victim of the lowly predators looming in the pool! There were also petty fights over nothing, maybe because the booze is finally kicking in, lots of revelations, outpouring of emotions, (not to mention cash!) and even the most mundane things that keep us together. The guffaws, the tears, the giggles, the silly grins, the butting eyelashes, the pouting lips, flipping the wet goddam hair, the tarayan blues, all of these were tangible expressions that indeed, we were happy!

The sexcapades? I wouldn’t know for we left early.

However, there were talks inside the forum. I am more than happy to know who!

Wouldn’t you?

A Taurean's feat...

2007-05-24T20:11:00.000-07:00

It was unfortunate that I wasn’t able to attend the birthday bash of Tata Kuron and the rest of fabulous Taureans from G4M’s Fab 30s and 40s. My schedule was up to my neck that time that even the slightest glance over the tivo was totally forbidden. I even missed our volleyball practice the following Sunday morning.
Wheeooow! Talking about time management but it was more of the piles of deadlines to meet. Or was it?

Yeah, I know. One main reason why I wasn’t able to come also was that during those times I am caught up with frenzy over the decision of what to give Onak on his 22nd birthday, being a Taurean himself. There were few suggestions that seem uncommon yet I wanted it so different and unique with an element of surprise and maybe a tearjerker on the other side.

Equipped with enough courage and introspection, I trooped the mall. After so much thought, I decided to go on with my plan of finding the most unique gift that would represent every year of his twenty-two years of existence. Starting from one year old up to his birthday, it took me a while to find those perfect gifts! In fact, it took me like two weeks! But it was worth the journey not to mention the muscle cramps I sustained scheming around every specialty shop there is on the planet. Then, his birthday came.

At the stroke of midnight, I texted him. I wanted to be the first person that will greet him on his special day. He replied. I almost cried. I sent another birthday greetings the following morning and I got another heartwarming reply. I never insisted that we should spend that day together because I knew he has other plans for himself and his family. I don’t wanna be the cause of interruptions and changes in his organized passion. I am more than happy to know that he’d gone away self-examining himself and returned replenished, happy and had dinner with his family. I will have my share of the cake too, I guessed. But it took us like two days after before we finally meet up and celebrated his natal day. The guy have so many wonderful friends that would want to be with him and he really finds time to accommodate them all, that’s why I took the back seat and waited for my time too. I would admit I was kinda’ hurt and frustrated when he cancelled the supposed to be Monday meet up because his Korean students got another plans for him after the tutorials. But I could sense that he was affected also by the way I replied from his text messages that time. Oh well…

Then Tuesday arrived.

I intentionally refrained from texting him that day. Until I got a simple message from him later that afternoon asking if I was busy. And the rest was history. It was our time now.

So we decided to meet up in G4 for a change. I put on a very happy face, clad on simple metropolitan shorts and knitted shirt. I was carrying the enormous bag of gifts intended for him and is looking for ways to conceal it. I arrived earlier. He was late because of the perennial traffic jam. I understood because every now and then he keeps texting me along the way. And when he finally arrived, he handed me a Sanfo Frozen chocolate coated banana with a brightest smile ever!

Scanning for a place to dine was another Herculean task for both of us. We changed resto’s twice or thrice in a row coz I wanted a cozy place with few people, as I needed the atmosphere for the requisite surprise gift-giving moment.
But choices ran out, we settled for Mangan. It was kinda’ okay until the food came. It was a specialty restaurant for Cabalens! We were disappointed more so upon seeing Chef d’Angelo on the other side! What else can we do but dig in and comment!

After the disappointing dinner, we decided to grab a beer but changed to having coffee instead at Bos’. There, I finally found the shining moment that I have been looking for since that day. We settled in the farthest corner of coffee shop with subdued light and quiet ambience. Classical music piped in and after taking our orders, I started the show. One by one, as he opens up the gift, I could see that he was so happy and surprised. He wasn’t expecting this. It was the moment! As he read every card on the gift, I could almost feel the overwhelming feeling of joy and appreciation from his eyes. I wanted to cry coz somehow, I could feel he wanted to cry too. ..He said that no one has ever done to him something like that.

I almost died…

We practically made a mess inside the coffee shop because of the scattered gift-wraps on the floor. I went to the cashier and told them about it and they said it was okay.

We left Bo’s with a smile in our hearts. We went home together but I still have one Taurean feat to attend…Mother Yo’s at Echo Romeo, so I left him with my biggest grin ever…

Then I sing…

As Election fever ebbs down...

2007-05-17T21:28:00.000-07:00

In the annals of Philippine history, the recently concluded May 14 elections have certainly made another niche in its yellow pages. Oh well, just like what our political analysts and historians always say, our beloved country is never without a doubt a breeding ground for election fraud and irregularities. What else could we expect? “It’s only in the Philippines!” Or.."walang ganyan sa States!"..

Lucky enough, my mainstream political involvement has died down. I am no longer a bit player to those kangaroo campaign sorties, meeting de avances and other gimmicks. I am no longer a participant to the endless mudslinging tactics and dirty tricks department perpetuated by both camps. I am no longer a target for death threats and harassment. I am now FREE as a bird! Those years of hard-core politics gave me painful lessons learned. Now, I am just a couch potato and a member of the silent majority who still wanted change and reforms. I believe that this particular year, my passive participation stems from the fact that I am a government employee, that I still owe my employer a bit of my political experience but not totally putting myself to the streets clamoring and shouting and worst, begging for that one vote that could swing the result of the polls. I am way out of their league now…

The only contribution I have given in so far that this election is concerned, comes solely from my knowledge of the complicated political arena. Even before the election, there are handfuls of candidates who sought my assistance, my help, my insight and even my analysis of the situation, how am going to turn around their campaign, their ads and the likes. That was flattering on my part. Somehow, these candidates still regard me as an authority in the area, that one way or the other my experiences would help them win the election. Or was it?

Whatever the results maybe, I could not deny that I am still a part of it, directly or indirectly. I knew my vote was counted. I have chosen those candidates whom I believed could somehow make a difference in our lives. Be that as it may, there will still be another elections. As long as the government keeps the waning torch of credibility and genuine public service, I might consider trooping the streets again until we are heard.

For the meantime, I am giving myself a nice break. The one I truly deserve. It may not be too long, but at least I was able to get one.

Ice cream anyone?

Arthur Miller scores high, as Fab goes sports…

2007-05-14T22:09:00.000-07:00

My fone beeped that early Sunday morning. Garfield was lying next to me in his tremendous silence. It was Onak! H e was asking how I was and what am I doing that lazy Sunday morning. I told him I just woke up and still feeling the bed. Then the second message came. I can’t believed he was asking me if wanted to watch a school play in UP, with him of course! “I would love to!” I replied. After the knowing the details, not to mention what to wear, I took a shower and went to meet him at our rendezvous area.

The ride to UPD was delightful as we started talking on the way. I’m not sure if I am dreaming but I felt like levitating on the air. This is one of the best Sundays I have so far! Upon registration and ticket presentation, we met some of his classmates and professors. I missed UPD. Especially the College of Education where I had my brief stint of CPA way back then. While queuing on the line, we had casual conversation over arts and letters, theatre stuff and the like. At first I was kinda’ shy and aloof to just butt in but somehow Onak was so sweet that he always put on the track, like I was also invited to audition for TP’s Circa zarzuela cum play.

Inside the intimate theatre lab, we took our seats behind Kat and his bf. It was cold but the ambience was cozy, since the play was set from post-American war era. Jerry Respeto translated it into Filipino entitled " Sa ngalan ng anak", based from Arthur Miller’s first commercially produced play ” ALL MY SONS “. The casts were from stellar theatre performers from Dulaang UP and other theatre groups and productions. The dramatic plot and acting prowess were outstanding though there were light moments too. But then I have my shining moment too. I have been biting my teeth for so long to experience this with Onak. Watching plays, maybe opera, anything that he loves and have grown to love. He is an artist, and I have to deal with it, since there is an artist in my blood too. Maybe not too superb and experienced as he was, but enough to put myself on the map too. He said that I don’t have to prove anything to him despite our differences over a few things, and that made him so endearing as a friend as he is.

We paused for a ten-minute break. We came back while the second act was already performing though we haven’t spent ten minutes outside. The climax was frightening! It almost took me off my seat because of the near flawless presentation of the suicidal gunshot! We had lunch at KFC Katipunan after the play. We both are chicken lovers so much so the we enjoyed munching our pieces. Another youthful conversation ensued until such time that we have to part ways coz he still have another meeting and I have to attend the volleyball EB of Fabs at Philsca. He texted me along the way, thanking me for another quality time and I replied the same thing. It was drizzling and the clouds were gloomy but it didn’t affected the mood we had.

I went home and took my Lacoste gym bag. I was really in a hurry since Dadi X was kinda’ apprehensive in his text messages. Met the Fabs there and the game began. It was fun though we really have to practice more so that we can beat the other teams. Berkey sustained some muscular strain on his left carpal area near the base of his thumb. It wasn’t such a big deal I guessed. Saw Noey again and the gangbang of the Yuhooo sisterhood was complete, especially every time Wat Ever is around!
After around four games, I went home since I‘d still have one more activity for that day. Our Sunday Mass Choir schedule. After another quick hot shower, put on my blue shirt since it was the official color assignment for that particular Eucharistic Celebration, and met the Parish Chorale still waiting outside the church. Texted Onak and reminded him that he have to hear Mass today. He replied yes…after his doing some chores…

Choir practice followed. I was exhausted but I have to attend since we have a big concert coming. I am so glad that I’d still have few adrenalines coursing my veins from the activity and elation I had earlier.

I slept early since Election Day is another one hell of a story!

Tea & Therapy..what's in a first bite?

2007-05-08T01:04:00.000-07:00

One Friday afternoon, my best friend and I decided to check the High Street of Serendra. Actually, I was the one who suggested that we should try those ritzy and glitzy restos lined up in the streets since I have already tried it with Onak. (Oh well, it’s our favorite area to walk after vanilla ice cream!)

After scanning the area, we finally decided to try TEA&THERAPY. I was eyeing for Mezzaluna that time but they were having some exclusive gathering and since Nolie is on diet and prefers veggies and health stuff, we took our seat and started asking for their menus.

We opted for the cold noodles with chicken in peanut sauce, some fried spring rolls and custard eggs for dessert. But the best part was their tea! From their imported selections, we chose the sweet chrysanthemum. It was another gastronomic feast at an affordable price. We even checked their website, for free, and ordered more teas for home consumption. I got this Fat losing tea and he ordered the Jaded butterfly. Andrea, the owner even let us tasted other selections like the sweet peach. She even let us signed on their guestbook so that we shall be informed for updates reservations and orders.

While devouring the spread on our table and sipping the heavenly tea, which, consequently, I was told that it was Madam Marcos’ favorite, I texted Onak. I told him about this and he said we should enjoy it. But I can’t wait to introduce it to him some other time. He said yes.

And so yesterday, while working on a memo for our choir compendium general assembly, I received a text from Onak asking how I was and if I’m already home. I was so engrossed with my work that I replied a little bit late. He said that he was near my place a little later, that maybe we should have met and had ice cream but he’s already home. I said I’m sorry and I insisted that we meet up later since I still have to attend the send-off Mass and despedida party for Father Benjo. He said okay.

So after our number, I scurried off to leave for Serendra and met him. But on the way, he texted me saying he’s kinda’ having some tummy trouble, yet still honored our date. ( or was it? Yeah friendly date!) I thought that he was going to stood me up but he didn’t. I could have gone home anyway and brood!

I was just settled and sipping my sweet chrysanthemum and waiting for my pork and shrimp siomai when he arrived. After the customary pleasantries, our endless babble began. From the cause of his troublesome tummy, to his latest job conquest. Being a UP and cum laude graduate is no joke! Somehow, he’s also having serious time considering job offers. We even had a petty hard time finalizing our orders! Oh well he got this Green tea Tiramisu cake coz he said his full and insisted that I should eat and ordered the enormous wonton noodles! Haay!

After the orders arrived, our stories continue. Actually, he had a good time listening to my “ nakaka-aliw na daldal” as he fondly puts it. However, the sweetest part of all was when he took the dessert fork, got a piece of the cake and said, “You should have the first bite”… At first, I thought he was going to really put it in my mouth, but then there was some certain aloofness that engulfed me and gladly took the fork from his hand and tasted the tiramisu myself. Another shining moment I guessed! Hahahahahahahaha! We decided to have a separate t serving of the giant bowl of wonton. I can possibly have them all…nah! Nah! Nah!

The waiter kept on refilling our tea, and somehow was eavesdropping, that I could not care less. We were just enjoying ourselves and having a good time just like every time we go out together. And when we finally finished off, we took another walk down the High Street just like any other kids scheming around the playground.

I couldn’t wait for another tea time!

That is so BRITISH!

Songs of Spidey..and games of Ice Hockey...

2007-05-07T18:29:00.000-07:00

After the heartwarming renewal and emotional healing two fortnights ago, I had a date. Yes! A real date, I suppose, since it has the element of fun, giggles, guffaws, good food, nice movie ( oh well, we guessed) quality time, periods of revelation and serious conviction that indeed, we really had an amazing time together. However, the best part of all was the videoke at Timezone! We finally had a chance of displaying each other’s talent for singing, much to my elation. Onak’s voice was indeed amazing and captivating! His rendition of The PROMISE and Bakit Ngayon Ka lang left me spell bounded! I took it upon myself to sing with him and it felt good inside. We both enjoyed the duet. I sang So its You and Never Ever say goodbye. And I’m sure he’s also amazed. The ice hockey game we had only proved and reaffirmed the special friendship and bonding we shared. The dinner was great. He had spicy pasta; I had an Apple and shrimp slaw. We enjoyed the BBQ peppered chicken and the seafood entrée. The talk was casual, trivial with bouts of childish enthusiasm. What more could two friends ask for?

Spidey seems to have a lot of going on in the flick. Oh well, since it is the last installment, (I hope) the director might have thought of putting all the elements sans the focus. The movie house was full to the brim and we decided to sit on the isle. I love the idea of just casually sitting there but after two hours, my butt started to ache! I didn’t mind though coz Onak was sitting beside me. Somehow, my mind was drifting off somewhere that I could focus. Even Peter Parker’s famous lines about life choices had slipped through my mind! Thanks God for Father Jimmy who reminded us about it in his Homily yesterday. It was a very life-changing and profound words! He even added two more messages of inspirations about LOVE, which I quote:

Peter Parker said:

“ What we choose in life make us who we are. We are free to choose, therefore, we must choose what is right…”

“LOVE begins when a person feels another person’s need to be as his own…”

and the other one states :

“LOVE is a decision- a choice of the will, not a feeling, but a STEADY, DISCIPLINED WILL, to seek the good of another person…”

I was awed by these words. Suddenly, I realized that they were true in the real sense of the word and meaning. How could I ever be so dumb after all this time? I may have these special feelings for Onak, a deeper kind of unexplained emotion, that in reality, we decided to be very good friends after all. I may have been reacting so wrongly, about what I truly feel but nonetheless, I wouldn’t want to lose the closeness we have for now. What we have right now is a decision that I have to fulfill. Maybe one day, if we both decided to bring it up to another level, then it would be great, but as long as we are happy being together and being able to share each other’s soul, time, respect, and understanding, truly, it would be the best part of it all.

Not even a fourth installment of Spiderman could match it, or any movie for that matter!

It is my own movie. Exclusively produced and directed.

My own personal choice. My own personal happiness.

The Wolves cry over the Spider's web...

2007-05-03T22:15:00.000-07:00

Like a water clock, it was inevitable to patch up the still unresolved conflict among the members of our choir. It was time. With our conflicting schedules and itinerary, we were able to find the right moment and opportunity to finally bury the rusting hatchet.

The trip over Tagaytay started with an isolated disaster. The Besta bogged down along Alabang Expressway prompting the other members to transfer to a lowly jeepney-for-rental at the height of the heat of the sun. I was asleep in the other courier, nursing a bad case of hang over after a wonderful night with the FABULOUS peeps at the new Butterfly haven. Met new batch of seemingly nice and uberly amazing on line friends. If it s not tipsy, I don’t know the exact words to describe what I have been through that posh evening. To cut the story short, I had fun and I was tipsy…

We managed to reach the ancestral vacation home of the Cruzado’s after too many wrong turns and misleading directions. The house, still grandiosely standing, looked inviting, yet an aura of loneliness sweeps the air. After settling in, and doing the requisite marketing at the famous Mahogany strip, we had lunch together. The buffet spread was ravenously taken and then we freshen up, got ourselves ready for the real bonding and healing activity.

With Dondon at the helm, we started it awkwardly and still felt the tension. As we progress, I could sense that somehow, it was leading us nowhere until we finally faced the candle and the pink card. It was the background music entitled “PAGKAKAIBIGAN” that took us to the real essence of that evening. Touching as it was, the Holy Spirit amazingly moved its way to us more especially to the four souls who have been bleeding because of pain brought by misunderstanding. Words were not spoken, tears just fell and the healing begun. Seeing those people finally hugged and cried with each other lifted us to the heavens. Forgiveness and renewal has ensued. As the incessant cries continue, love blossomed. We thank God for letting HIS presence dawned upon us. We thank HIM for letting us see the light. We thank HIM for the gift of LOVE, COMPASSION and UNDERSTANDING. Gone are the pains, the hurts, the selfishness, and the ill feelings we had for each other. Gone with the wind! It’s as if nothing has ever happened! It was a new life! New friendship!

The renewal of our vows of friendship echoed through the heaven. The following morning, we’re back in our old selves again. Happy, carefree, committed, bonded and closer more than ever. The songs we sang that day were joyous, magnanimous, profound and life changing. It was an experience of a lifetime that cannot be replaced nor traded for anything else.

It was indeed a gift of life. Where the wolves prey on unsuspecting victims, the spider spins its web of goodness and suffocates the evil.

Dominus vobiscum!

Taking too much, taking too little...

2007-04-22T21:34:00.000-07:00

Two Sundays ago, I’ve watched The REAPING. For anyone who does not appreciate such movie genre, it would just bore him or her and find it another commercialized version of religious hula balooh! The movie, as I simply put it, was another test of faith. The deliverance of the devil’s advocate is a classic plot. I was just in a movie-watching mood that time, that I reluctantly drag my feet to G4 and have some kick from Starbucks’s mocha frap.

Another religious affair I attended was the 1st Sacerdotal Anniversary of Father Benjo. Our Ministry was assigned to render some songs and I was tasked to cook my all time favorite tuna pasta for our breakfast potluck. We had three Masses that day not to mention our audition at Rockwell Chapel for a possible choir slot. There were few SMS exchanges with Onak, knowing that he’s busy with his 2 days awakening day, one from his college and the other, the university.

While on rehearsals, a text came. It was Onak. And he wanted to see me. I ask for an excuse from the group and I guess they quite understood, and somehow I do not really care if they don’t. How bad am I? Hahahahahaha…I rushed in to the nearest Jollibee where he was waiting and had vanilla ice cream as usual. We talked about his graduation, the scenes and others in between. He let me see his Laude medals and I was dumbfounded! I had a flashback during my hey days at school. I am so proud of him! The conversation was easy and we even tried humming few lines from the choir piece I brought with me. There was a moment of disagreement over some petty remarks about school stuff, that somehow I was carried away. It was more of an ego being hammered away but I guess I could live. He had a good time teasing me and explaining what really transpired. Somehow, I realized that I could use some reality check because over the years I used to ego-trip and bossed around people that I may or may not have hurt them, either way. Nevertheless, the truth really hurts. I knew that I may have reacted differently to the topic but that is how transparent and volatile I am. I was just giving my objective opinion and that’s all there is to it.

In the process, things turn out fine. It wasn’t something to brood over with. He was just also being honest and mundane.

In our lives, there is this certain moment that we feel we cannot contain someone else’s remarks or doings. We feel like it’s too much for us to bear such truth and honesty in every words being said, that one way or the other, it us all along who are so unbearable.
I noticed that every time I had a conversation with Onak, I could always sense the truth that somehow it hurts me knowing I am also imperfect. However, that doesn’t mean bad at all, in fact, I found it so amusing the my imperfections are the most likeable attributes that the other persons loved most.

Or maybe so…

Si nous n’avions point de defauts, nous ne prendrions pas tant de plaisir a en remarquer dans lest autres…

Carpe Diem...

2007-04-19T21:35:00.000-07:00

The news of Tito Ben Remo’s death came as a shock not only to me but also to the whole members of pastoral ministries of SJMV. An as Officer and a gentleman, Tito Ben was another kindred soul in our midst being one of the Lay Ministers of our parish. I remember first meeting him personally during our Reformation Seminar at Cannossa Retreat House a year ago. He was a very quiet, observant yet compassionate and understanding of everyone around him. The last time I exchanged pleasantries with him was last Good Friday when they came to the parish to return the monobloc chairs they borrowed. It was brief but remarkable, because he was full of life then.

Last Wednesday night, we were scheduled to vigil his remains and offered prayers and songs. For the first time (again) the chorale was in full blast. Having Vincent around for the nth time, after the petty misunderstanding, we were in our element that time. Tita Cora, the grieving wife, welcomed us so warmly into their beautiful home and one way or the other had reminisced such happy times with his husband. However, our rendition of “Lord I offer My life to you “made her cry one more time, and so did I, with the rest of the group. It was a touching moment…

Later that evening, I received a text message from Onak. I was so surprised that I could not think of the right words to say. It was heartwarming that despite the abrupt change of atmosphere we had, it suddenly turned around 360 degrees. Then I thought, am I dreaming? Hell no! It just happened, plain and simple. We were back in our old selves again, seizing the day and enjoying it. We met the following day at our fave hang out; McDonald’s and savor the same Vanilla Ice cream. This time, it was a serious talk. We manage to thresh out the details of the past events, spoken frankly about how and what we felt during our individual silence and eventually decided to leave it all behind us and start anew! Whatever we had this time, would all depend on the way we enjoy each other’s company. What is important right now is that we wanted to enjoy life as it goes and be there for each other. It was a new life!

He will be graduating Cum Laude in UP. He doesn’t know that I have made arrangements with Ma’am Kiks regarding his gift. I just hope he would like it. However, I am quite sure he would.

Life is too short too cry… Until we meet again, Tito Ben! I knew you are in God’s loving hands now.. . I hope you will enjoy your new state of life too…

And for us… Carpe diem!

Spero meliora…

when my vanilla ice cream melts...

2007-04-16T23:11:00.000-07:00

My fascination over vanilla ice cream was rooted from the gamut of experiences I had when I was still a kid. My mom, my spinster aunts, my sisters and even my brothers had helped in forging this addiction and now, I couldn’t get over with it every time there was a chance to grab a cone or a cup in an ice cream parlor or just at the dairy isle of the local grocery. This was intensified while I was in the States since it is place for an ice cream connoisseur, having many chefs and gourmand concocted every vanilla mixture there is on this lowly, over-eating planet. Every moment of savoring this particular dessert makes me shiver and I could relate a certain story, bad or good, hence this blog.

Just recently, oh well maybe over two weeks I guessed, I have met one of the most enjoyable, sweetest and delightful person that God had ever created. My Lenten experience this year has been my most memorable one because of him and HIM ABOVE. This would be an overstatement if I will repeat what I’ve just said in my previous blogs, so I better not uberly-react this way since it’s quite obvious. But the thing is, he is worth mentioning again, just until my vanilla ice ream melts while writing this.

Anyways, it was the ice cream that really started it all. I could almost cry the moment he offered the cup of this ice cream while we were at McDonald’s. He remembered! It was something that really struck me so hard that I floated midair. It was followed by two more ice cream dates that I found myself being drawn to the situation that I could have never got out. Truly, vanilla is an aphrodisiac. I could sense that we always enjoyed the experience of sharing this ice cream, but the most part is about sharing our selves, as we exchanged certain details of our lives.

As defined by Daniel Webster, vanilla is a genus of a tall climbing orchids of tropical America. It is the vanilla bean that gives out the sweet flavoring in any food when it is used. But then, vanilla has a way of spoiling the tastes of any food too. It could render certain bitterness when used improperly and in wrong amounts. But for sure, it is heavenly sinful in ice cream! The way it melts in your mouth gives pleasure one could never imagine. I bet no one will argue to that, or else!

Unfortunately, the ice cream we shared melted too quickly though it lingered long enough to remember every detail of the story. Good thing is, he only changed flavor (as far as I know) but the same sweetness, enjoyable and delightful presence are much the same.

It is always fun having ice cream with a good friend.

I couldn’t wait for another vanilla ice cream date!

Such a Guilty Silence...

2007-04-12T23:39:00.000-07:00

“Tonight, I free myself from a mirage that has kept me for days. But now, I dwell in a barren plain once more, aimlessly finding my way back to the sea…”

A late night message from a dear friend who had given me such pondering thought, while waiting for another text from someone who started firing out my cold and dormant heart. The text never came that night. Then I thought, it is done. Maybe he realized it wasn’t worth it after all. Maybe he wasn’t ready. Maybe things were happening so fast that somehow had overwhelmed him. Maybe I came in so strong or even soft. Maybe he finds everything in a blur then realized I wasn’t the one he’s looking for. Maybe I sensed the wrong signals. Maybe it’s the right love at the wrong time. Maybe I was totally inept to qualify it for something wonderful other than friendship. Maybe I am destined to go through life acting like a klutz.

Maybe...maybe...maybe...these and all are the questions that have kept the answers so far away from home…

However, the only thing that has been bothering me since the so-called and over-rated “mutual understanding” thingy is that, am I so dumb enough that I could not discern the true signals that has been given to me? Have I done something wrong, foolish and incomprehensible that I deserve to be treated like this? Not that I was disregarded in anyway but was left hanging over a cliff of uncertainty. Am I too far away out from his league? The silence that has been going on for days now is such a guilty sense of foreboding. I chose to be silent and process this on my own. I made a reluctance choice of expressing my side and never expected the sad return. There was a sudden and unexpected knock at the door of my heart, I peeped in to see a flicker of hope, but somehow, I was foolish enough to believe that it was for me. Or was it?

Until now, I could not comprehend that in just a snap, my world crumbles, my hopes crushed, the wave of happiness ebbed down, the light tuned off, the story unfolded without a clear ending, the music stopped, and the pain germinated deep down inside. I am quite well aware that this is just another phase that I have to go through like the past events that happened. I was healed upon Chewy’s sudden and painful demise, yet he gave me another chance. His death is an awakening, yet an enigma that has to be decoded. He gave a sign that I should not close my heart to anyone who shall pass my way, yet reminded me that I should be careful not to be hurt again. Did I pass that sweltering introspection? I sure do hope so…

I am finding my way back to the sea of endless opportunities. I am constantly evolving as a human spirit. I am trekking another cross road of indecision. I am fervently waiting
for an answer. I am not closing my doors for another chance to LIFE and LOVE.

To quote another message:

“There’s nothing wrong with believing in fairytales, because in the end we all live happily ever after. However, we forgot one important detail, not everyone we fall in love with means it’s happily ever after story, most of the time, it’s just once upon a time…”

I could have been so naïve or even blinded to believe that it was love after all, in the end it was just friendship that matters.

Silently, I felt guilty.

A LENTEN SPECIAL...

2007-04-09T23:25:00.000-07:00

We relived Palm Sunday like the customary Jews. Fresh from a choral recital last Saturday night, few managed to wake up early Sunday morning and performed at the church with much gusto and enthusiasm, reminiscing the scenes from last night’s feat. A hearty breakfast ensued at The Fort courtesy of the ever-reliable Jollibee. We continued our duties at the Nuestra Señora De Guadalupe then went home exhausted but spiritually charged. We were still scheduled to sing during the 6pm Mass that day and so we did. Moreover, I was surprised to know that Onak came to see us over. After the usual talks, and some pickings from the group, we decided to have dinner at Teriyaki Boy, Vanilla Ice cream at Jollibee and a walk through the newly opened ritzy strip shops at Serendra. The cool yet imposing ambience of the walkways never intimidated us doing our thing. Talk was casual, funny at times with occasional senseless abandonment. One could safely say that it was the first plight of stairs of getting- to- know-each other laced with an understanding that we both enjoyed each other’s company. What a fine night to start the Holy Week!

Still buzzing over the events of last week, the office continue to make other people suffer so easy until Holy Wednesday, though I did not go and pressed my ass off to my chair pouncing on the keyboard of my office PC. Instead, I started my work at the parish being in charged of putting up the Altar of Repose come following Maundy Thursday. Dressed to work as a kitchen crew at McDonald’s sans the requisite paraphernalia and sun block evenly basted over my exposed skin, my assigned carpenter, Manong whatever, ( since I didn’t get the chance to exchange pleasantries with him) started putting up first, the back drop for the altar. After a few hours and cups of brewed coffee and cigarettes, the repository was erected. It was a work of love with Japanese inspiration. Simple lines of tall white lamps that also serve as the high table for the EUCHARIST with a spring flower arrangements on the left side and tall paschal candles at the right. It was an awesome sight especially when the backlights from the backdrop were turned on illuminating the area like sunrays. It was tiring but spiritually fulfilling, not to mention the frequent and hourly text exchanges with Onak.

Later that night, our PABASA started.

Continued to adorn the altar with some finishing touches come Maundy Thursday and performed at the NSDG for the Mass commemorating the Washing of the Feet. Donned in our white and khaki uniforms, the Eucharistic celebration went without a glitch. My best friend and I went straight to our Parish to look over the same event that was happening and oversee the altar for the imposition. After our scheduled vigil and rushed choir practice, we decided to do Visita Iglesia as prompted by Father Jimmy. My presscon groupie used to do it in Poblacion every year, however, since I am so busy with our own parish, my choir mates just opted to visit some churches in our vicariate, which are more accessible. The night wore on. I don’t know if anyone knew that I am occasionally texting Onak, giving out words of encouragement, sweet remarks and the likes while he is busy finishing up his Thesis. Ferino’s rice cake (bibingka) kept us at bay until we finished at least seven churches and then retire at the comfort of our own homes.

I woke up late that Good Friday and had brunch. Leng, our SOP 1 who is currently staying in my home was also up and started prepping up everyone for the 2pm Mass later that day. Cris, our resident organist came over the house and help in prepping us up. It was another remarkable performance for us though we omitted some of the songs aptly chosen by Vincent, who is currently in absentia. After the Seven Last Words and Veneration of the Cross, the procession followed. The MLM was assigned at the Santo Entierro, which coincidentally, was placed over my Granny’s ancestral little chapel. My family is now in-charged of keeping the Entierro at least for a year and it was a welcoming gesture to have HIM stay over.

As Black Saturday’s Ester Vigil started, the pressure was up to my neck! There were last minute changes in the line up of songs for that night as I was also busy helping out Julius, Jun and Ryan decorate the stage for the Salubong. My heart bleeds for Julius since they were still mourning over the death of his dad, barely three months since his Mom died also. The work has taken its toll on me when I finally had the chance to go home and prepare myself for that evening, since I will be singing the EXULTET. I could not remember how many packs of Strepsils I have consumed just to clear up my throat from its hoarseness and itchiness. Somehow, I could not get any support, moral or otherwise from my own choir mates. I was physically and emotionally drained before the celebration started but, when I finally blew off some steam to my group, somehow things got handy again. Thanks to Father Benjo for his insistence to practice his part at the stage with the whole choir that things mellowed down a bit.

As we started vocalizing and prepping up, Father Jimmy just suddenly breezed in and started the ceremony informally by announcing the sequence of the event. We were kinda’ caught unaware but nevertheless positioned ourselves to the choir loft for the Mass and waited for the actual opening. However, before that, I got another surprise call from Onak saying that I should smile and everything will be all right. It somehow alleviated my woes though disappointed since he cannot come and see me, and we perform. As the vigil wore on, so as my agony, especially after my EXULTET part. Since Father Benjo will sing the first chorus, he somehow has forgotten the lyrics, but I was able to deliver it the best way I can. Exultet was a four -pages Psalm commissioned into a song by the ARCAM. At the middle of the ceremony, I saw Onak waving at me and was about to go, I could not possibly leave my Tenor post so I just texted him and expressed my astonishment surprised reaction. I texted him saying it was all worth it seeing him even in a glance and he replied:

“Tlaga? E yung looking at you without you knowing is more worth it..Hehe “

It was indeed the most haunting, profound and life-changing words that I have heard since Holy Week started, oh well, there were other text messages too that struck certain chords in my heart, but this however re-affirmed my conviction regarding my understanding of our present situation. Whatever it is, I am sure now that I am happy. Period.
Feeling ecstatic and jubilant, as manifested in my smiles and twinkle in my eyes, we managed to finish the whole celebration sounding joyous and majestic especially during the communion and the rendition of Handel’s ALLELUIA at the recessional. We did it despite the emotional burden we were having, despite Vincent’s absence and internal squabbles we barely solved. We just enjoyed the night; oh well until wee hours in the morning celebrating the RISEN CHRIST!

As for me, it was a double celebration. I could only thank God for letting me know another kindred soul in the person of Onak. I do not know but there was something in him that I could almost hear and see myself into. If it was an angel or some unexplainable fate that brought us here, then it must be good.

I could only hope, again.

From BED to Cardinal Hall...

2007-04-02T21:14:00.000-07:00

Fabulous revelers flocked the glitzy BED Bar last March 30 for its requisite eyeball every end of the month. As expected, the i-baller’s turn out was a success. Regular visitors also joined in the group making it more raucous, rowdy and reverberating. While holding our favored drinks and flaunting whatever it was that has to be shown, then merrily scrutinizing each other flaws, the scene was astonishing. Each of us has his own stories to tell, prospects to pursue (or stalk!) and enemies to sneer. The proverbial evening gave us the reason to be decadent, unmindful of the fact that the following day would mean nursing a bad case of hang over because of the lethal brew we swigged like hell especially the famous Blue Frog! But despite the smoke screen that nearly blinded my eyes, the gyrating and sweating bodies, the stale aroma of cigar that suffocated me, the guffaws, the glances, friendly hugs, beso-beso’s and even wild imaginations running through someone else’s mind while listening the deafening sound mixed and scratched by the house DJ, everyone was utterly happy. The gangbang quartet of yours truly, Berkey, Watever, Rajon sans Noey gave another outstanding reviews about the frolicking crowd, goggling everyone who enters and leaves the scene, rated and qualifies who’s who in fabulous gay community. We are looking forward to another eyeball next month for another rave reviews! I sneaked out early, as I have to sleep and prepare for tomorrow’s choral recital at the Cardinal Sin Hall in Paco, Manila. I wonder what happened after I left…

Just as the sun rises, I was up on my bed. Went to the nearest printing shop to have our Batch Reunion tickets printed for distribution later that night. Took a quick trip down the mall and got myself new undershirt and boxers for our new ethnic inspired uniforms. After our final run-through and make over, we proceeded to the contest venue. The traffic was practically impossible and the sun was scorchingly hot that day, but the word association game I was playing with Onak via our mobile fones took out the boring moments while on board. The tilt was about to start when we arrived, that we never had the chance to do our sound check All the choirs were busy practicing their number while we were dressing up. What the heck! Our confidence level was full to the brim though deep inside, we were kinda’ shaking, but then again, just like what I said in my opening speech as the choir representative, it wasn’t always the winning or the losing that matters, but the celebration of music through God’s blessing and the passion to share it with others. Applause! And more applause transcended inside the hall. Our performances were outstanding, but at the end of the contest, it was all in the judge’s table and decision. We came 2nd runner up, not bad at all since we outshined the other choirs who had more experiences and members than ours! However, what really made us sad after all was the consolation prize our Unity Band got. It was disappointing since they also bled sweat and tears from rehearsing their pieces. It was God’s will since all of us were still emotionally- charged from our last meeting. Nonetheless, the experience was another learning matter for all of us. There is always another time and another chance.

We were all indebted to the loving efforts of Ms. Parakikay, our conductor, Holland Buela, our accompanist and of course Onak, our choreographer, who shared their time and expertise all for the glory and service to God. We offered our prizes during the Palm Sunday Mass and treat ourselves to a hearty breakfast at The Fort. Then later that evening, I had another surprise of my life, Onak came to see us perform during the 6pm Mass and sneaked out from the group to have dinner at Teriyaki Boy.

What transpired during and after dinner was something I could not forget. Maybe…just maybe, I am ready to take another chance to love now…keeping my fingers crossed…and the music playing…

FOREVER KING...

2007-03-29T20:54:00.000-07:00

Aarrgghh!..it must have been ages since my last blog! The past weeks were a whirlwind of endless soirees, rehearsals and tete-a-tete…

Apres, my system has been plagued with various stimuli both positive and negative ones, nonetheless, it was well the journey. The hectic schedules somehow helped me realized that nothing is impossible with a good cup of fresh coffee and a peaceful mind, that despite internal squabbles, a good, sensible and motivated talk can and will clear up every ill-feelings that has accumulated over time.

We finally had a serious conversation, (oh well, more of a confrontation I guessed) about the communication break down that has been going on for quite a time within our choir group. The spiritual intervention of our Parish Priest and his Assistant paved the way of removing every skeletons in our individual closet. The loving dissection that transpired during that Tuesday night re-affirmed our strong conviction for continued church service, sans the differences. Everyone had a chance to vent out their feelings and accept their mistakes. Everyone learned the virtue of humility and compassion, though others still have to undergo total healing in God’s time.

We are not perfect. No one else is. If one have chosen to serve the Lord, then the road is never easy. As my spiritual adviser always told us, the church does not operate on the premise that everything is a bed of roses. Pain is inevitable and vulnerability speaks highly for the righteous. Along the way, the devil will always be present to tempt us, invoke us, and lead us to pits of hell. But as soon as we recognized our inner strength, strong will, determination, and keeps the faith, nothing could go wrong, at least in major tone.

Surely, the KING still and will reign supreme.

It takes a glance...

2007-03-18T20:26:00.000-07:00

Undeniably, any organization, especially a church-based one, is rarely not affected by skirmishes and petty fights. Ours was a typical example of a group gone awry. As of press time, our choral group is experiencing a certain meltdown due to some misunderstanding over attention and fulfillment of duties. To think that we are loaded with activities this coming Lent and the upcoming Contest Recital, we cannot really concentrate in giving a 100% performance to our everyday rehearsals. Just like last night, another bout of discussion ensued because were scheduled to attend and sing at the Parish-wide Station of the Cross today, Friday, but our prexy never had a single meeting to inform us regarding the matter. Were basically at a lost on what to do and what to sing.
We manage to come with the simplest solution and we hope that it will work out fine and without a glitch whatsoever. Keeping our fingers crossed…

Normally, I wouldn’t have written anything about this problem, but its my way of consoling myself, of venting out my frustration, of really trying to understand why this things happen…I would have confronted Vincent, the choir master but I gave it to him, my silence and keeping the faith that sooner or later, we could settle this animosity over a bag of peanuts.

Nonetheless, he decided to take his “sabbatical,” (my famous lines) and left us with all the activities hanging on the thread. However, through perseverance and understanding, we came up with a solution that all of us could muster. We honestly believe that we can make it without him and will prove to him that the group can rise above this dark clouds hovering above us.

I know this thing shall pass. I know we could mend the heartaches, the pains and frustrations and be able to sing again in glorious harmony. I know Vincent will realize the importance of esprit de corp, the binding force that jelled us together as one voice.

It only takes a glance…just one simple glance to know the big difference...

What am feeling right now?...ASAP!

2007-03-11T23:29:00.000-07:00

It seems that I have been so slow in updating my Blogs. Lazy is another word but I wouldn’t call it that way. It’s just that the past few days have been very busy especially now that I will be starting to train Chief Stewards in one of the shipping company’s that my brother is presently working with. That was another blessing, being able to go back to my previous job but this time, I get to train and impart knowledge, skills and attitude from my experiences as a former Chief Steward myself.

Oh well, last Sunday was a blast. My presscon groupie went to watch ASAP ’07 at ABS-CBN courtesy of Tita June Rufino of Viva. I’m supposed to have our batch reunion announced but I never get the chance to give Heres, a long lost friend from MYDF, the piece of paper I prepared for plugging. We were so engrossed and drooling over Loydie, my ultimate crushie, while Piolo and Sam seems avoiding each other in the show. Talk about buzz and kibitzers!

Lanie M was so amazing especially her number with Erik, Jed and the unstoppable Gary V. This is our second at ASAP after I guessed a year! It was refreshing and relaxing seeing your fave stars personally, and being “bakya” and” baduy” once again. So what? We even went top PBB House, and accidentally met Tony and had our pictures taken with her. Oh well, she’s pretty but my friends don’t find her the way I did especially Oco who almost lambasted the PA that was accompanying her, because she was so rude and bitchy!

Amy piggy took all the pictures in her digicam, though I had my share over my N70. I hope she sends it soon so that I can post it with this blog.

Our eyes feasted over 2 hours, hiding the Mark&Spencer cookies mother Cora brought along, and chewing on Mentos once in while. It is prohibited to eat and drink inside the Studio but we managed to grab some. We ate at the ever-reliable Jollibee near the area since Ate Belle was so tired and famished driving, that we could no longer afford to look for a more decent resto as per Oco’s ranting. I love Chicken Joy so I had two pieces and devoured it
flushing it with the upsize ice tea.

Took a quick nap at home and proceeded to hear Mass after, followed by the choir rehearsals. I couldn’t contain Karl anymore, one of our Tenors, who always forgets to bring his choir pieces. I was so irritated by the way he sings our number, I don’t know, he’s so OA, and mimics an operatic singer which really annoys me, that later that night, I stormed off from the practice and left my copy of Handel to him.

Then, I realized it was wrong but what can I do, my ill feelings were legitimate during that time…and oh I almost forgot, Barri is one surprise package…*winks*…now I know why am feeling this way…

What could i ever possibly ask for?...

2007-03-04T23:57:00.000-08:00

My existence as a self-confessed gay man could be safely described like a cacophony of sites and sounds, a near perfect blend of coffee and milk, of salt and pepper, a T-bone steak made medium rare, an hors-de-oeuvre of caviar, pate and pink salmon, a ride between wild river and roller coaster, the busy inter-state highway of NYC, the long winding road towards home, a vineyard over Tuscany, a bumpy Kalesa ride along the patios of Vigan Heritage, a plot between Harry Potter and LOTR, the keypad and message alert tones on Nokia and Sony Ericsson, the dynamic internet highway of Microsoft, the news straight from CNN and Newsweek magazine, the episodes on the Lifestyle network, the series of Star world, AXN and movies of HBO, the games of Monopoly, Charade and Pictionary, the varied music on Nano Ipod, the calming effect of Bach, Mozart and Beethoven, the songs and perils of Broadway and West End, the grueling realities of Pinoy Big Brother, Amazing Race and Survivor, the tipsy encounters at Malate and Quezon Avenue, the praises over Mass and choir compendium, a walk in Central Park, late night episodes and re-runs of QAF, Sex in the City, Friends, Will&Grace and Desperate Housewives, the profound and life-changing moments at Oprah, the hard bounds at PowerBooks, Fully booked and Borders, the pages of my diary and personal journal, the echoes of my Blogs, the enormous emails in my Yahoo and Hotmail accounts, the early morning jogs followed by a bowl of wheaties, the painful work outs every Monday’s, Wednesday’s and Friday’s, the swells and waves of the Pacific and Atlantic oceans ( not to mention Biscay! ), the letters of foreign pals, the medals and laurels in my room, the holographs over my Celestron, the visions of my Horoscope, the colors of rainbow, the long weekend drive, the weekly get away with high school friends, a moment of prayer and genuflection, the family bonding and pig out sessions, the shopping sprees and feeling sorry after, the scent of my cologne, the collection of Kiko’s custom made shoes, the political battles and suck ups, my long sabbatical, the scars from my Laparoscopic Cholecystectomy, my bouts of cough and cold, the butts of red Marlboro, my Leonardo DiCaprio’s scrap book, my sketches, the dream of my book launching, the steaming pot of my temperament and activity, the volleyball games, the gay contests, my academic excellence, the men of my life (you know who you are, no need to write it down for confidentiality purposes, lolz!) my new found friends on line, a new life, a new job, a brighter perspective over life and maybe of love, my coping mechanism over death and dying, my unsolicited advises, animosities and tantrums, my cries and hurrahs, Jet Lee’s films, my fascination over Yoga, Buddhism and Monkhood, my emphatic gesture over Kris Aquino, the wonderful world of Disney, my uberly concern for world peace and safe environment, my vote for domestic partnership and civil unions, my dreams of becoming the first Gay Senator or President, ( so cheesy!), my waiting spot at Forbes Top 400, the long mailing lists from Louis Vuitton, Burberry, Dolce&Gabbana and Ralph Lauren, the formidable mountains of snow of Nova Scotia, the undeniable Filipino blood over my veins, my first Teddy bear, first trip to the school, and the realization that I am gay, all these and more will certainly be a part of who I became right now.

I am just uberly thankful and grateful that God has given me another chance to life…not just as a gay person, but a whole lot more! Happy Birthday to me!

Oh well, i am not telling when....

And the Rainbow shines...once again...

2007-02-26T18:23:00.000-08:00

For two consecutive nights, I had a whirlwind activity that lasted me until wee hours in the morning… but it was a well-spent night.

The 2nd Golden Fab Awards at Fluid Lounge last Friday proved to be another testimonial to the close-knit family of the defunct Fabuloush.com members. With sponsors coming in trickles, the organizer somehow were able to pull it through. Thankies to other kind-hearted individuals who supported the event all the way to its resounding success.

But the best part of all is meeting once again the illustrious members of the site, rekindling the old flames of friendship and camaraderie we shared during the hey days of the Fab.com.

Yes, there will always be some comments regarding the whole program, but that is given. Somehow, some people could not really grasp the idea of the organizers, but I couldn’t care less. For the most part of it, the tribute to Fab members who passed away captured my attention because it proved one thing, WE CARE! WE REMEMBER! WE RESPECT PEOPLE! For my part, I knew I did what I had to do and that’s liberating yet flooded me again with memories beyond compare. Another touching moment for me was when I finally made amends with Alderckman, a friend whom I had caused pain for some time now. We finally turn around and started a clean slate of friendship. Now, I could finally say that I have moved on because and I know Chewy is happy. But the most kilig part of all was meeting Carlo Mignon...a friend of DeanCarlo from KOPI BREAKERS…I saw him being smooched by Johlou and without butting an eyelash, asked him to join us. And the rest was history….sufficed to say we had fun together…clean, unadulterated fun, that is. The Fab eXtremeS may have different views regarding the matter, but I am sure they meant no harm and I could live with it. When I get home, I realized I lost my keys to my home, my room and my heart….

The following night, still throbbing with headache, and after attending my sister’s birthday, and Batch Meeting, I proceeded to another stunning event of the G4M Fab group at Rainbow Project. There, another group of wonderful people was busy exchanging views with their hearts and spirits. Literally, the Blue Frog spirit that has been passed around for the usual merriment and fascination of everyone kept us making guffaws every time Jairuff had his gulps and swigs of the lethal brew. All eyes were glued to him waiting for the elusive effect of the booze. Also that night, the fireworks display over Malate signaled my official membership of the Fab peeps coz I really had the grandest time ever with them, because that night, I felt like I belong. I NEVER HAD A DULL MOMENT especially with Noey and Wat ever around… more so, I met finally another “C” in my life...Carlo Magno...I asked myself why do I have this fascination over people whose name starts with a letter “C”? Coincidence perhaps, but I hope it’s not consequential…He had to leave early as he had to attend the training for his upcoming
Tilt...

Then, suddenly, I was practically being teased and picked on by my friends regarding Wolverine. It was fun though but I must admit my face turned beet red when they actually let us seat side by side, took picture of us and somehow find myself tongue-tied., until Wolvie started the conversation. Wolverine is another kindred soul, nice and accommodating, yes, cute. However, I know I am not his type. It s enough for me to get to know him up close and personal, no more, no less…but given the chance, why not?

When I get home, I realized I left the boneless bangus in the cab, I bet Jairuff will be furious the moment he knows….I’m sorry…I have been dying to get my teeth on that fish!

A post Valentine reflections...

2007-02-15T20:57:00.000-08:00

V

Validate. . .Your relationship with your partner must be an equal partnership; one that mutually supports each other in their dreams and visions of what is best for one another. Make it a point to let your partner know that you value their opinions, ideas and especially their feelings.Never say, "You shouldn't feel that way." Your partner's feelings are "their" feelings. At that moment in time it is their choice to feel that way. Listen with that understanding. If you must say something say, "I understand how you feel" and if it is appropriate, give them a big hug!

A

Attention. . .Paying attention to the "little things" is not always easy. It takes practice and it is one of the most important aspects of a successful and healthy love relationship. It is the little things that count. If left to simmer without attention, eventually they may erupt into major conflict.

L

Love. . .Be consistent in expressing your love for your partner in "words" and deeds. While the gift of a rose, a box of chocolates (unless they are on a diet) or a special greeting card is an __expression of love, it is important for your love partner to HEAR the words, "I love you" at least once each day.

E

Enjoy. . .Make the best of being together. Be present when in the presence of your partner. Enjoy each precious moment. Couples who enjoy each other's company are happier and more satisfied with their relationship. Do fun things. Go fun places. Place a high priority on enjoying life together.

N

Nurture. . .To nurture is to nourish. Nourish one another with love. Encourage each other to openly communicate your needs. Accept your partner for who they are and support them in their individual needs and endeavors. Offer understanding by being an attentive listener. Acknowledge your partner's goodness!

T

Time. . .Spend "quality" time together. Make a promise to have a date with your mate no less than once each week. No excuses, please! (Ask a trusted friend to watch the children and return the favor at another time).Pretend you are on your very first date. Reminisce. Hold hands. Make eye contact. Talk. Really listen. Put aside the cares of the day and focus on your partner. Make each moment you are together. . . count!

I

Intention. . .We usually get what we place our intention upon. Synergize your intentions on what you want, never on what you do not want. The combined effect of two partners working together on similar things is much greater than the sum of individual effects.Highlight your intentions to one another and concentrate on the specifics of those intentions. Lovingly remind each other of your commitment to your intentions from time to time. Develop the willful intent to serve the well being of your partner. Work together on having the kind of relationship that you can be proud to be in.

N

Needs. . .We all have individual needs; to be loved, accepted, understood, trusted, respected, appreciated, encouraged and the list goes on. Acknowledging our needs and the needs of our love partner gives purpose to the relationship. Learn to express your needs in ways your partner can listen to and understand.
Erich Fromm once said. . . Immature love says, "I love you because I need you." Mature love says, "I need you because I love you."
That is the difference between being needy and having needs. The problem is not that you need love, but that you depend on your partner to create love and happiness in your life. Giving up your responsibility for satisfying those needs is a mistake.

E

Energize. . .Breath new life into your relationship each day by consistently focusing on new ideas that keeps the fire of love burning. Partners feel energized when both are dancing to the same tune. They feel a capacity for action to continue to do the things that brought them together in the first place.

.....from Abz's email....

KRIS...KITTY...and ME...

2007-02-14T00:05:00.000-08:00

Love is not about finding the right person,
but creating a right relationship.
It's not about how much love you have in the beginning
but how much love you build till the end.

Author Unknown

I was particularly stricken by this insight, which was sent to me by Jovel, one of my close confidantes in our church choir. I don’t know but somehow, I had this gnawing feeling that this year I will spend this day of the heart alone, again. If only Chewy was given much longer time, we would have spent this Valentine’s together…or maybe on line.

In a much sober note, I am sure most of us, in one way or the other, have witnessed the life and love of the indomitable and glamorous Kris Aquino, who consequently celebrates her birthday today. I may sound so cheesy but Kris is one of my favorite local actors in Pinoy moviedom. There is something in her that makes me laugh, cry, smirk and display any palpable emotion there is whether off and on the screen. I always find myself drawn to this woman who have literally defied anyone who gets in her way when her principles and flaming virtues were compromised, more so when the love of her life is involved. Just recently, Kris is undergoing another relationship crisis with her promising hoopster husband James Yap. In a very revealing moment at their Sunday talk show, The Buzz, she couldn’t help but utter the words, “ when life is so good, I did not question God, and now I am hurting …” Watching her on TV brought back familiar scenes in my life too. I could relate to her, realized that no one is spared from the doldrums of helplessness, and pain whether you are rich or famous, poor and nobody. Kris is just plain flesh and blood, ready to be drained and exhausted, yet still rises gracefully from every fall. That is one good thing about her and I really admired her for that.

Moving on, another favorite of mine also celebrates her birthday today. Marikit, fondly called Kitty is the youngest among the three siblings of my deceased eldest sister, Elsa. Kitty is now a RN based in Honolulu Hawaii. It has been years since I last saw her. The last time I check, she is already committed and about to get married. Emails and occasional phone calls were the only means of communication we had, but in spite of it all, we remained close, together with her two brothers Chetung and Allen. We may not always show it, but I am very sure she knows that we’re always here for her in everything she does and we love her so dearly.

As for me, I might spend this Valentine’s Day with a good book or with friends at home. Memories and thoughts of my past relationships will definitely be streaming along my head ready to take another glimpse of that mix emotions I have felt during those times. Some may trigger pain, some may excite happiness, but they will always be a part of what I am today. The experiences I have in the past are just threads of the whole quilt that made up my whole being, ready to be use as another security blanket by another kindred soul.

The question is, who might that be? HAPPY HEART’S DAY!

The Real Beauty within...

2007-02-08T20:16:00.000-08:00

Every now and then, we always find articles and commentaries besmirching the reputation of former beauty queens and titlists around the world of having resorted to aesthetic enhancements, vis-à-vis natural elements. With the proliferation of aesthetic clinics and new age technology to look younger and glamorous, the conventionalists nixes the grim idea and still follow the maxim-“OF GROWING OLD GRACEFULLY … AND WINNING NATURALLY…”

With some of the worlds beauty tilt and award seasons in tow, the pink community has its own version of the said contest. And it is with great pride that one of my new found friend was able to join such prestigious contest.

All of us, oh well, maybe not all, have extended support and unfaltering faith that he would make it despite stiff competition. We all know that our tribe is really up to the neck of bringing home the bacon in every endeavor we put ourselves into, whether beauty, IQ or any other contest. Who doesn’t want to win anyway? but the bottom line is, does one deserve it if there were foul play and under the table arrangements? I am not saying there is in that particular tilt, what I’m saying is, Pinoy culture is known for such kind of controversy. I hope it will not happen to Charlemagne…

In the thread, the topic of Charlemagne’s joining the competition is always involved. Words of encouragement, wisdom, some tips, and other extra-ordinary add- on’s were freely and wholeheartedly given. At times, he would express uncertainty over some aspects of his true feelings about the contest but there will always be one or two, and maybe few who would remark positively for his behalf. The Fabulous people in the thread were so glad that one of its members was confident enough to enter such contest, though, without sounding so self-serving, almost all could pass the rigid assessment and qualifications.

For Charlemagne, the real essence of beauty does not come from the outside physical qualities. Yes, it wouldn’t hurt to have a nice buffed body, flawless skin, nice set of teeth, good height and other brouhaha’s, but it will all boil down to one thing--- CHARACTER.
Good character defines your personality. It will project an aura of sheer confidence, intelligence and selfless desire to win the hearts of the audience and the judges. Good character will manifest in every word you say, the way you deal with people around you, the way you will answer the most difficult and intriguing question thrown at you, the way you will love the one person you may have to meet some day. And that for sure will make you a winner…

If there’s one thing I’m sure of, Charlemagne has character. He just have to learn to use it well in his advantage…I know he can…

Someday...

2007-02-01T23:01:00.000-08:00

Occasionally, we all learn to like and even love certain song that depicts our innermost feelings. Truly, the melody and lyrics of our favorite song of the hour, be it mellow, classic, R&B. pop, acid rock , reggae and what-have-you’s, could almost always bring us to a level higher or lower than we expected.

As of the moment, the current song that has been raking raves and reviews over the airwaves coz of its pure sentimentality and acoustic theme is Nina’s “SOMEDAY”. Much like her remake of Julia Fordham’s “LOVE MOVES IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS”, this number recapitulates an endearing lament of a love lost, and painfully anticipating another episode of hope and new beginnings.

I, for one, could relate to the song in a more vivid way. Without dwelling into specifics as to what part of my life clearly signify the fullness of the song, I could only hum and belt out few lines of it with so much emotion. Nevertheless, the raw feelings that emerges from someone else’s upon hearing it anywhere, be it in the office while working over deadlines, at home while cooking, inside the car while driving to a bottle neck traffic, and almost any place possible where you could hear music, is another trip down memory lane.

However, come to think of it, there is also some source of joy within the song. If we could only learn to attune our minds, much less our hearts, into realizing that each chord, note and word are indeed the epitome of every human emotion there is, and that it is natural to feel these things, with or with out the music.

SOMEDAY is just a song, and Nina sang it amazingly. And maybe someday, things are gonna’ be a lot easier when we try to sing it ourselves.

Would you?...

SOMEDAY
BY NINA

Someday, you'll gonna realize
One day, you'll see this through my eyes
But then I won't even be there
I'll be happy somewhere
Even if I can't

I know you don't really see my worth
You think you're the last guy on earth
Well, I've got news for you
I know I'm not that strong
But it won't take long, won't take long

CHORUS

'Cause someday, someone's gonna love me
The way I wanted you to need me
Someday, someone's gonna take your place
One day, I'll forget about you
You'll see, I won't even miss you
Someday, someday
But now, I know you can tell
I'm down and I'm not doin' well
But one day, these tears
They will all run dry
I won't have to cry sweet goodbye

CHORUS

'Cause someday, someone's gonna love me
The way I wanted you to need me
Someday, someone's gonna take your place, woh
One day, I'll forget about you
You'll see, I won't even miss you
Someday, I know someone's gonna be there
Someday, someone's gonna love me
The way I wanted you to need me
Someday, someone's gonna take your place
One day, I'll forget about you
You'll see, I won't even miss you
Someday, someday

@23...

2007-01-28T22:56:00.000-08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

CHEWY SEAN PATRICK J. LIM

JANUARY 28, 1984 - NOVEMBER 20, 2006

"..a kindred soul, selfless, and a mirror of life...

God is so good that He gave you to me...and Angels brought me here with you..."

I love you Sweetie....

If Only...

2007-01-25T20:48:00.000-08:00

“Kuya Jaye...how are you na? Musta love life? Hehe...”

Dumbfounded as I was, I am still glad that after all this time; Chewy’s relatives find time to check me out occasionally. As I am slowly and painstakingly trying to move on with his loss, I could not but feel that somehow, I am still tied up with phrase “if only”...

Unwittingly, after my text conversation with Kath the other night, memories of the past kept haunting me, but this time with ease and confidence. If only I could tell him one more time that loosing him was the most difficult time of my life, that coping with his absence was a daunting task, that picking up the pieces and trying to rebuild each moment of my life without him seems a Herculean baggage dragging into the labyrinth of my unsolved puzzle, that every waking hours will forever be a lost experience…

I suddenly felt the urge to read his one last letter to me before his untimely demise, and while doing so, my tears suddenly fell, but this time, it was accompanied with the feeling of joy, contentment and inspiration knowing everything will be all right.

Have I moved on? Certainly not, but undoubtedly going there...

The decision of changing my status in every profile I have posted over the net back into “Single” (again) was liberating, yet a gnawing feeling of guilt and betrayal pervades. At the back of my mind, I could still sense his petty jealousy upon knowing that I changed it. It was like a knell signaling another confrontation and endless explanation. But with the epistle on my hand and his words, “ I want you to be happy…and give the same love and affection you have shown and given me to the new person you’re involve with…” has actually unyoke me of my emotional baggage I have been carrying all this time.

And now, if only I could tell him how happy I am right now because he has given me the greatest love one could ever imagine, if only I could hold his hand one more time and assure him that I am all right, if only I could embrace him with the same passion and eventually kiss him to let him feel the same degree of love I have for him during his life time, then and only then I could honestly say…I am truly ready to open up my heart once again. I am sure he would have wanted it the same way and would surely give a sign…

His cousin’s text was surely a sign…is it?

Then Samantha and Ian truly loved each like there’s no tomorrow…

Songs of a Blue Butterfly...

2007-01-23T22:12:00.000-08:00

All of a sudden, I find myself being drawn circulating the threads of G4M Fabulous 30’s & 40’s. Jairuff, a long time friend from other site introduced me to the new world of doting friends from all walks of life…and enjoyed every moment of it...

I tasted my first dose of this fabulous group when I attended their Yuletide Party last December 16,( coz of Jairuff’s insistence) however, since I am a newbie on that particular clique, an overwhelming sense of shyness and foreboding enveloped me that time. Introductions were made, reluctant shake hands and an endless soiree’s of Ooh’s and Aah has filled the breezy air. I just came from a high school reunion that time so I felt quite tipsy from four or so bottles of the SML that I managed to blend in their crowd in no time at all. The bar area was my recluse and after another few rounds of the lethal brew, I took off without even saying goodbye.

I continued to join in the thread discussion, deepening my acquaintances and even managed to share some thoughts, wisdom and experiences along the way, until the next get together was scheduled last January 20 I registered and eventually attended the event (Oh well, more of a so-called eye-ball thingy for the new year!).

I arrived early and met the “butterflies” already settled in and enjoying each other’s company. With each flap of wings bouts of the usual casual “hello’s”…remarks like..” and you are?”.. ”Oh yeah...” were heard and seen along the frenetic streets of Scout Tobias. W e were practically like teeny boppers in high school musical having their latte’s and peanut butter sandwiches at the cafeteria, being loud, obnoxious, others wild, tamed, while few were engaged in deafening silence. It brought back familiar scenes during my hey day with Fab.com EB at Malate every weekend or so.

Moreover, as the night wore on, so as my giddy feelings of having to meet two new unfamiliar faces, who would probably changed the course of history in my remaining gay life. But then, thanks to my new found confidantes on the group, I was able to learn verified patterns of behavior of one of the guys I’m supposed to meet, whom I guessed just want to play kitty around. The other guy, still I have got to meet since we were not properly introduced, for the same reasons that we were both occupied and contained that time, or is he?.. Because as far as I can remember, we were just inches away from each other, it’s just that, time and circumstance prevented us in finally meeting up.

In the end, that night was like an awakening. I must admit that this new group of urbanites has more to offer than the stereotypical hook ups and one-night affairs. I guessed I just have to discover it myself and continue to observe their “flying behaviors”, their “breeding patterns”, their sense and sensibilities, as the author Jane Austen dissected it in her book. Needless to say, it would be a long journey towards home, the realization and understanding of each other as unique individuals, more so, a gay individual.

For me, my fingers are still crossed…and lips are sealed, until I hear a new song from a blue butterfly…

The HUMAN TOUCH...

2007-01-11T23:18:00.000-08:00

After almost a decade, my high school classmate and barkada, Abner Garcia aka Arbie/ Abz/Abby... (Bangus to us! Lolz!) …came back from Damam, KSA for his requisite vacation and to look after his sick Mom…

Meeting arrangements were made courtesy of Oco, another barkada and we took off last night to MARKET! MARKET! We settled for Hap Chang, a sleek Chinese resto with sumptuous dishes to offer not to mention healthy options , oh well I guessed in some selections. The house tea was superb and overflowing. I ordered my usual, steamed tofu with garlic, garlic broccoli and oyster cake. Others savored old time favorites like Pata Tim with cua pao, Lemon chicken, Beef Broccoli, chop suey, camaron rebosado and Pork estofado. We had a hearty meal and laughter, reminiscing our high school days and everything in between. Others made their way to ask Abby about his recent conquest, and the gifts for his Godchildren including mine. However, the most sought after inquiries that night was Oco’s “friend” (whom I do not even had the chance to know the name...lolz!). Buzz! I knew it was one of his wards for tonight but we all went along for the ride. We all know Oco, down the very core! So to speak!

As we devour the enormous spread on our table, I can’t seem to notice Oco’s friend. I was practically looking at him every second, the way he eats, the manner he asked for assistance and the ignorance he displayed about the food on our table, I do not want to sound so rude but I think this guy never had a chance to pig out in a resto like Hap chang. Nonetheless, I just kept it to myself though Atty. Venus, another classmate present that time, and seating beside me notice him too and we had a look in our eyes that says it all and started to giggle. Oh well, that’s enough for that guy.

We flushed down our gut with a refreshing concoction at Starbucks nearby. I had soy latte, since neither the chai latte nor the steamers, Jayvee recommended was not available. Others ordered their usual Frap. Another round of talk and photo shoots courtesy of “Dearest” as Cat aptly called Oco’s ward. I guessed many subjects were covered especially the upcoming meeting we will have at Armi’s on the 27th about our batch reunion.

Therefore, as the night wore on, the girls, I mean the real one has decided to go home. They knew we “girls” had another soiree to go so they didn’t bother to hold us up any longer .We parted ways with our usual beso-beso and terms of endearment. After that, we went our ways, them, going home, us, to the Human Touch.

It’s a massage parlor with a little more service to offer. Abby’s friend introduced it to him, this newly opened watering hole, as I may put it. Oco and Abby were there the previous night (or two days straight?) and they agreed that it was my time to experience the thrill. I peppered them with questions like safety and security, cleanliness, courtesy to guest and other very relevant matters concerning it, and they gave me a satisfying answer. After dropping off Oco and his dearest to their haven, Abby and I proceeded to the area.
The late night traffic somehow pissed us off but gave me more time to ask few more questions until it was time for us to go inside. Abby reminded me of the things I have to do and the key person to ask for. His recommendations were kinda’ good. My masseuse named Reggie, a young stallion for that matter relieved my aching body from years of stress. It was very soothing that I almost dozed off. I remember one trip to Singapore with my sister and Granny; I had another relaxing massage down our hotel area. The reflexologist was good that during our entire stay, I always troop down the hotel and had a full body massage for 40 Singapore dollars! Gawd! I missed those feelings and it was relived that night.

What happened after the massage was mine to keep and ponder. I will let you soar with you wildest imaginations. It was a night well spent with friends. I remember another friend who’s now in the hospital for a stress related illness. Doc Nolie should have this massage and I will definitely recommend it to him once he gets out from MMC.

Shouldn’t you?..

Thankies Abby…see you again soon!

A New Hope....

2007-01-05T22:01:00.000-08:00

2006…a year that was! Learned quite a number of dogmas that somehow, I have been using to continue living the kind of life I am into right now. The year that has mutilated many of my decisions, yet practically indulged to the other side of life’s imperfections and complexities.

A week has passed. I started giving up some things that I hold so dear in my life like the enormous collection of clothes ( though not all are branded or signature, oh well most of them are!..) trinkets, some books, memorabilia and other stuff I have collected which goes way back from my primary and secondary school years…and even college…Gawd! Clearing out my closet was one of the hardest part…Oprah must have been proud! If she only knew! But guiltily, I managed to keep one or two of those things because I couldn’t really let go of them for reasons I cannot comprehend…maybe because of this…because of that…I don’t know really!..

It only goes to show that no matter how hard we try to start anew, there are still some things, memories and experiences that will surely be a part of our own very life. These will certainly help us grow in love, walk in grace, and fill every little void that remained empty throughout the years.

I have started to quit smoking. I am back on my routine morning jogs and 3x a week trip to the gym. My dermatologist is happy with the results of my regimen. The internist, I have to visit still. It won’t be good for sure, though I don’t have flaring symptoms. Hey! It’s not what you think… it’s the routine medical exams we all have to go through. Oh yes, remember my aching back? I don’t have to wear the nasty back braces for sure!

Memories of Chewy still haunt me. Happy ones that is. I am sure he wanted me to start a new beginning too, in my life and in my love. However, occasionally, there is still some achy part that I could feel every time the topic about him, about us is being mentioned. Oh well, what can I do? I could only hope and pray, as I always do, that things will work out just fine soon.

As 2007 unfolds, a young butterfly germinates out from its cocoon showing off a kaleidoscope of colors scattered on its wings. A new horizon leads to endless possibilities of hope. The vassalage pray transforms into a manifestation of dreams too far fetch to realize. Every living soul is sure to ventilate the deepest emotion he or she could muster.
The indomitable fire pig is out for another rendezvous in the sty, ready to share the day’s collection from his master.

I am now the Master of my destiny. Everyone is…

B4 Twenty-06 Ends...

2007-01-01T17:17:00.000-08:00

As my last ditch effort to rekindle the events of the closing year, I cannot but feel mix emotions as to where would I start, and for sure would have considerably have a hard time ending it…

Lemme’ check my timetable, or rather rewind the clock...

The first quarter of 2006 was quite a drag. The consultancy job I was given proved to be alarmingly boring in some aspects. But I must admit that it has its perks and I love my own schedule. The heat of the political cauldron has started spitting its steam out of its nose, much to my dismay, coz it has shed some light in my true leanings. But then, I am with the administration now and my loyalty goes with it.

I have continued my on line membership with numerous gay sites on the net- Fabuloush, Guys4men, Downelink, to name a few, and managed to meet new friends and even kept few ones. I would safely say that one way or the other, I have made quite a niche at FAB and most importantly, remained steadfast to the beliefs I have about relationships. Until I met Chewy.

As the second quarter wore on, so as my deepening involvement with the site, the people behind it and its so called “pioneer chatters”. I even won its first on line Literati contest with the article entitled “A Nanny McPhee in All of Us…” It wasn’t the Palanca or Nobel, but it made such a lasting impression to the growing numbers of Fab peeps, oh well, until its untimely re-structuring sequence in the last quarter of the year.

A lot of events, gigs, shindigs, birthdays, mini EB’s and grand EB’s were scheduled and I did managed to attend some of them. As I continue my unsure relationship with Chewy, (we officially became lovers July16, just for the record.) I also made enemies amongst them. To blame us for the controversial stories along the way was wrong. Sure, we made some mistakes, but we have lived through it. We never meant to hurt anybody; the only mistake we made was that we fell in love. For whatever its worth, I am personally apologizing to anybody we might have hurt during those times, and on behalf of Chewy, we’re really sorry. Now let’s move on.

I am supposed to leave for Hawaii at the last month of the second quarter. We were invited to attend the wedding of my nephew and visit other relatives and friends. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to come as the Consul cannot establish my status of going back home. I have been biting my teeth all this time to go back but I guessed it wasn’t the time yet. Besides my multiple entry/ Working Visa/C1-D Class was nearing its expiration. I need to go out! More so, I am a dying to meet two new friends on line, JT from California/France and Jayvee from Ontario, Canada….unfortunately, I stayed but my granny and sister was able to come. At least, we were represented, though my niece really wanted me to come. It would have been a blast!

My relationship with Chewy continued despite the enormous odds. His illness progressed so badly during the third quarter of 2006. But then love is still very much on the air. My co Fab eXtremes, remained with me all the way my journey as we trekked our individual lives together. We have encountered the usual debacles, intrigues, love stories, sickness, petty quarrels and misunderstandings, yet I believed we remained friends.

The few months remaining from the last quarter proved to be so taxing on my part. Less and less of Chewy, more and much more of work. The volatile situation from my work added to my stress. The suspension of the Mayor Binay and the rest of the City Officials, the rallies, the barricades, the total shut down of Makati’s business central district and impending removal of all involved made more matters worst with the news of Chewy’s ebbing medical condition. Fab has stripped off its chat room coz of maintenance or technical problems so basically the site was in shambles, and so its mainstay chatters. I made new ways of contacting Chewy and somehow, we made it through. The last time we talked based on the prints I made from our conversation was November 17, a day after our 5th month anniversary. The conversation went sour but it’s been a pattern ever since. Thanks God that I have the Parish CHORALE, my one source of strength, diversion and spiritual upliftment.

You might think that this story line principally revolved around Chewy and our relationship. I must admit it is. Because, this particular year have been one of the most memorable for me. And as this year closes in on me, and Chewy is happily embraced by God above, I would gladly say that somehow, so many things and circumstances have affected my life in so many ways and have learned a lot from many people and entities I have met along the way.

And before 2006 ends, I would like to thank everyone, especially Chewy, for making this year well spent and well traveled. It would have been less exciting and profound if not for all of you.Yes, we will continue to live our lives individually, but let us not forget that no matter how we try to stop bumping from each other, still, our paths would cross and decisions will be made.Let us just hope pray that when that time comes, we could still manage to say “Hi”…and then smile….

My warmest wishes for you and your family this New Year!

I LOVE YOU…

WHITE or BLUE CHRISTMAS..anyone?

2006-12-26T18:04:00.000-08:00

...It is the time of the year that we may hear carols on the air, snow starting to trickle, and at times flooding and freezing your doorsteps.....Amidst the merriment of the yuletide season comes the painful reality that most of us will be spending Christmas either alone or far away from home.....And if you have had the occasion to pass by your neighbors, either you blink your eyes because of the glaring lights hanging all over their house, or shed a tear because the lowly snowman standing in the middle of the backyard reminded you of someone from a long time ago......

It pains me to think that this particular year, I will be one of the millions who's going to eat the magnificent christmas buffet which i personally concocted, and be that as it may, i will just have to comfort myself that after all the loneliness, I'd still have my family and friends to accompany me to go through this most difficult and trying times.......

As i savor Natalie Cole's "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas" over the radio, I can't help but notice the mistletoe suspended over the fireplace...then my gaze focused on the quilted name of one significant other in bold red letters and the rest of the monogram that says.." i love you with all my heart this Christmas.."...Oh what a heck!..i couldn't go on like this forever..Blue, white or even red, in times like these, i could only rely on the Divine Providence's guiding light piercing through my very core and whispering.." Yours will come, standing in the shimmering snow,holding azaleas in bright yellow, waiting for you to meet him, then kiss, then embrace so tight and walk that road to remember..."...I couldn't agree less...

HAPPY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE...!

VIANNEUS CHORUS: A resounding feat...

2006-12-17T20:25:00.000-08:00

The first ever Christmas Cantata of the Saint John Mary Vianney Parish Choral was a resounding success. As it turned out, Rev. Fr. Jimmy Marquez declared it as an annual event after the outstanding performances of the member choirs of SJMVP-MLM. For your perusal, here’s the program for that wonderful and memorable night:

OVERTURE: Joyeux Noel: A Christmas Cantata

Since its formal conception, the SJMV Ministry for Liturgical Music, under the leadership of Choir Master Vincent Olandesca, have significantly changed the face of church choral music. Tonight is the baptismal of fire for all the church choirs as they render chosen pieces for this years first ever Cantata. The French title JOEUX NOEL means MERRY CHRISTMAS which coincides with our celebration. And as you all know a CANTATA is a vocal composition in several movements. It came from the Italian word CANTARE, which means to sing. This yuletide season does not only mean a gift of song but also a gift of heart, which is always needed in every human endeavor.

Tonight, as we celebrate the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ, let us all proclaim His majesty’s worth and praise Him in hymns and songs fitted for a KING. Also, as we listen to our choir, let us all be reminded the eternal words of Johann Sebastian Bach. ..” The aim and final end of all music should be none other than the Glory of God and the refreshment of the soul….’

To start our cantata, please welcome our very own SJMV Parish Chorale in their rendition of PSALM 150 popularly know as Laudate Dominun and O Bonne Jesu..

PARISH CHORALE RENDITION

At this point, our next choir will give us a familiar Christmas number which they have personally chosen for its endearing melody The songs PAYAPANG DAIGDIG and HARK THE HERALD ANGEL SING will surely satisfy our senses.
Please give a round of applause to our FEMALE CHOIR under the musical leadership Doris Martinez.

FEMALE CHOIR RENDITION--

Thank you very much Female Choir. Our next Choir will dazzle us with their soulful rendition of the song MALIGAYANG PASKO and HETO NA NAMAN ANMG PASKO. Let us applaud the effort of the Greeters Choir under the musical expertise of Ferdie Catolico

GREETERS CHOIR RENDITION –

For our next Choir, still under the musical leadership of Dori Martinez, they will give us the classic song of DIWA NG PASKO and Jose Mario Chan’s CHRISTMAS IN OUR HEARTS. Please welcome the Association of SJMV Choir.

ASJMV RENDITION –

Let me take you back from our first group, the SJMV PARISH Chorale who will now give us another outstanding performance in their rendition PEOPLE CAROL, their winning piece in the recently concluded chorale competition at The Jaime Cardinal Sin Building in Paco Manila, which they emerged as the First Runner Up, after which will be followed by the German Version of the famous SILENT NIGHT, called STILLE NACHT. Again, please welcome the SJMV PARISH CHORALE.

PARISH CHORALE RENDITION –

As we continue to be enthralled by the choir’s performances for tonight, let us welcome another group that will surely make us enjoy this year’s cantata. These kids from all walks of life have proven their musical prowess as they have already produced a CD Collection of their own songs. Together with their parents and Guardians as members of the Caritas, let us listen to their rendition of 12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS and JINGLE BELL ROCK under the musical leadership of Dr. Sandy Uy and Cecille Nonaka.

CHILDREN’S & CARITAS CHOIR RENDITION –

Our second to the last group needs no further introduction. These gentlemen and ladies can be regarded as troubadours in their own right. Not only they have become examples of enduring spirit, they have proven themselves as an asset to the Ministry’s growing number of talented groups. Let us all welcome the Male and Philomena choirs as they sing A CHRISTMAS MEDLEY under the musical leadership of Joel Lucas.

MALE & PHILOMENA RENDITION –

And for our finale for tonight’s Christmas cantata, in the tradition of giving world class performances, our Parish Chorale have undoubtedly moved on its first step. Their last and final number is composed of one Anime-inspired song entitled VOLTES-V in Japanese language and the moving arrangement of Philippine Madrigal Singers song THE LORD BLESS YOU in their new CD album called ACCLAMATIONS, please welcome our very own SJMV Parish Chorale.

PARISH CHORALE RENDITION -

As we end our cantata, may we call on Rev. Fr. Jimmy S Marquez to give his final blessing and congratulate all the choirs who have performed tonight.

THANK YOU FOR ALL THE LOVE AND SUPPORT! SEE YOU NEXT YEAR!

Post script: December 16, 2006: HAPPY ANNIVERSARY CHEWY…we could have been 6 months now… I know your happy …I love you…

The Question is...can you?

2006-12-07T21:27:00.000-08:00

Can you still hear the soft whisper of a child?
When all around you is a deafening silence?

Can you feel trickles of rain under the burning sun?
When the rays are piercing your soul?

And the rainbow that’s half formed in middle sky
Can you still distinguish its colors with your bare eyes?

“Have you played any music?” the drummer boy once asked,
And belt out love songs of a weary past?

While the thunder uproars in the middle of night,
Will it calm you spirit or frighten you so tight?

And when the morning comes unannounced,
Can you still add more strength upon your dreary heart?

While the pages of the book left unturned,
Can you still scribble down words that describe your plight?

Can you still imagine how the silhouette retraces back?
The vague and blurry forms of memories so light?

As the clock runs fast and you cannot keep up
Will you still reach out to a moment past?

And while driving along the strawberry highways,
Will you stop and listen to pick up one bulb

The story ends yet life still continues
Question is…can you move all along?

The PAIN of letting GO...

2006-12-04T21:32:00.000-08:00

...its Christmas time and I'm supposed to be enjoying the merriment that entails the season. After almost 6 months of having someone I knew that I could be with after so many years of living single and unattached, the news came crashing in like the last Tsunami that hit Asia...drowning me, engulfing my very core up to my last breath...I felt the same excruciating pain like the one being under the knife without the benefit of an anesthesia...then numbness settled in that I could no longer move or even butt an eyelid...tears have run dry and so is my blood...I could not eat, can't go to work, everywhere I turn, the silhouette of a love lost keeps haunting me...I could almost hear his whispers hovering above the clouds... Damn this is insane!

The sentimental lyric from Sharon Cuneta’s song from way back reverberates in my head...

"In my wildest dreams I dream about you...every face I see, I see only you... in my most quite moments, I hear only you.. All I ever wanted to do is say I LOVE YOU..."

However, I know it won’t happen now because he’s gone…for good...how could this happen to me? I could only ask why... yet it also brings me certain gladness knowing he is happy now...i just have to accept and live the fact that we are going to see and be together in the next life…those were also his last words before his premature death… Who knows, maybe in the next after life, we could still end up together...and why not?...For now, I have to let go of the very special feelings, of the unconditional love I have for him and hold on to the happy memories we have shared.

Sometimes, things are not what they seem to be...I could only wish I wont be hit by the same arrow twice...but with Chewy its worth being hit even a hundred times or more…because the love we shared, the feelings we had for each other could not be replace by anything on this earth, be it the most expensive jewelry, the most grandest house, or posh cars. It is more than meets the eye. A love bounded by friendship that grew towards the test of times. A pact sealed with vows of TRUST, RESPECT & UNDERSTANDING. A commitment rooted from our very souls.

I know this is going to take me a long time, very long time that is. But the thought of him under my nose, the warmth feelings that his always beside me, guarding me, guiding me and eventually leading me to him for another bout of love, will surely help me understand the pain of letting him go…for a while…

Ode to Chewy Lim...

2006-11-27T21:26:00.000-08:00

A gentle breeze on a moon lit sky
The mandolin starts humming
In an instance, he glances towards my side
Whispering soft words that left me daunting…

Edgeways, the clock keeps ticking
Every seconds, every minute, every hour of the day,
Reminding me of a race I could not win
No matter how much pain I have to endure…

Days have gone by, scores of sunsets have past
A pulchritude of gestures with everlasting vows
Caressing each other though millions of miles apart
Unmindful of the schmaltz that looms from beyond…

As the time draws nearer, both our hearts lament
Bidding goodbyes that we never would have meant
The melancholic sound of a fearful soul
Concealing the agony that have grown so cold…

As the angel guides you to fly towards heaven, forget not my love
with a bleeding core and incessant cries
I will be here till time stand still
Forever needing, forever longing, forever loving…

I am indebted eternally to the songs of our lives
Echoing in the distance, pouncing like drums
Rest assured that our love will stay
Until we meet again someday…

I LOVE YOU SWEETIE…

REQUIEM in time of REUNION...

2006-11-27T00:22:00.000-08:00

Last minute preparations: Clothes to wear, the matching shoes, cologne that will exude an aura of freshness and vibrancy, other accessories? which car to use… (more of who will drive me to school then?)… Clock ticking…but around 6 p.m., I’m still in the church helping out in the Christmas decoration of the Parish office, and waiting for the seamstress to come for our choir robe measurements. After which, I’m all done.

The bath was fast as my sister is already in school. She wanted me to get down there ASAP! My nephew agreed to drive me to the party, with my other nieces tagging along for the ride. Touched down in time for the formal opening. The usual doxology, hymns and anthems, endless speeches and awarding ceremonies. High school friends, classmates and batch mates arrived by the minute and customary soirees with the older batches. How time flies…and the reunion finally kicked off with a bang as guest band and performers did their numbers. Buffet dinner was unfortunately, not appealing to my taste buds.

Amidst the merriment and casual conversations, a text came. It was Katherine, Chewy’s cousin. I didn’t exactly got what she meant when she asked me.” Alam mo na ba nangyare? I replied with an honest “kanino?”…And the most devastating answer caught me by shockwaves of fear and pain…” wala na sya kuya…” that was it. The time that I have been fearing for all this time. The moment of truth and denial.

At our table, my classmates noticed my sudden change of spirit, from carefree and typical high school teenybopper to a tear-laden and agonizing individual about to explode and throw my mobile phone. Nevertheless, I remain composed, calm and collected. Instead, I prayed and asked for guidance and strength. I tried so hard to brush off the bad news for a while and focus on the reunion, but Chewy’s picture in my phone kept staring at me. Was it really true? Or just another false alarm? Maybe he’s up to something again just like the first time. As I process this emotional carnage, booze came pouring in. I needed to drown myself and get numb…at least for while.

I called up Kath early in the morning and relived the fear and pain of last night’s text messages. I gathered the same news, this time it’s surreal. Chewy Sean Patrick Lim, my Chewy, my sweetie, my angel died last Monday, November 20, 2006 on his bed. His Mom found him the following morning asleep, so peaceful yet as cold as ice. It was a beautiful demise, the one he’s been wanting to happen. But the most painful part is that I knew it was coming and I wasn’t there. I wasn’t there to be with him joined his Master. I wasn’t there to accompany him and made it more easier, more peaceful. I wasn’t there to hold his hand and say prayers together. I wasn’t there to say “I LOVE YOU SWEETIE” even for the last time…But I knew deep down in his heart that I’ve always loved him so much no matter what happens…And I knew that he is happy in the hands and cradle of our Almighty. Yes, during those times that we’ve been chatting together, he never failed to tell me that I should be happy and take care of myself, that he will always love me in a way no other person can and that he will always be my guardian angel, hence the song Angels Brought Me Here…

My friends gave their unsolicited moral support. I kept quiet. I needed time. This is one phase in my life that would have to be written and immortalized. Yes, this is very painful, yet liberating in a sense that God have taken away the ONE person I have loved so much in my life to be with HIM forever. And I know, someday, I will be with him too. And I could NOT, not now, not ever, say goodbye but only “ See you soon sweetie…”

Chewy,…I LOVE YOU SO MUCH Sweetie…! You will always be in my heart…

BLUES and BONDing...

2006-11-19T22:53:00.000-08:00

The anniversary greetings came late, only one day that is...but it was a day well spent. In my office, the big bonus came pouring in, lunch were superb (but still no carbs for me)…for the first time, Chewy and I were able to chat that afternoon and in MSN Live. It was a new experience for him as we usually chat over YM and late at night. As candid as we were during the early part of the conversation, a simple question led one thing to the other and everything turned sour. It was another bout of his tantrums; unfounded jealousy and the usual manifestation of a life under crisis…part of the phase his undergoing through. Nevertheless, I could not blame him, but myself for being such a careless freak asking some stupid things. We didn’t exactly part our ways, we just left things hanging on the air, and I know it will be resolve in our next chat (in case he decided to)

It was also during that time that I was making plans for meeting up Fab eXtremes for 88’s art show at Sonata and for the first time, meeting Agent007 in the flesh (not Daniel Craig), a long time text mate and a friend, who incidentally, is nursing a lonely heart and trying to move on from his past relationship. Funny but most of the people I knew, especially from Fab, have these emotional baggages within them and how we exchange our views with our hearts and spirits over these matters are really amazing and uncanny. 007 knew about Chewy, as we have occasionally discussed about our love life though most were trivial things. I even told him about our recent squabble much to his disappointment and concern.

Introductions were made, Italian gestures copied with a tinged of Pinoy hypocrisy. You would not believe how one person could be so sweet in one face and eyebrows arched to the other. But then this is gay life, and everybody has this sort of a bitchy character inherent in them. What else is knew?

The night wore on. More stories were told and retold. And new ones were slowly gaining face. Whether it’s good or bad, I could only hope. People were so intrigued by 007 presence, especially with me. I don’t know why but I had the feeling and I couldn’t care less. For me, I found a new friend that night, and maybe lost one. For me, I had a wonderful time singing my blues away, seeing familiar faces around my circle, boozing up, getting obnoxious at times and stoic after.

Then, I decided to watch CASINO ROYALE the following morning…

“The name is CHEWY…CHEWY LIM...for that matter… “

or was it BOND...JAMES BOND...oh well...

November cheers & tidings....

2006-11-12T23:52:00.000-08:00

Every Saturday, after my usual chores, it is customary for me to at least go out to the malls, check out the new resto’s, the latest movies ( but not totally watching them) fashion trends and forecast, new book and music releases, and try other stuffs or whatever interests me. Last particular Saturday, November 11, 2006, was not an exception.

Since its almost Christmas ( oh well, for me that is) I fancied myself doing shopping spree, meticulously examining every gift item I chose for a particular person, friends, relatives, and godchildren ( God knows I got tons of them!) After subconsciously filling up my goody bags with my imaginary gifts, my feet were so sore and I decided to take a rest and grab some food at a nearby French Baker outlet. The chicken breast fillet topped with chunky mushroom sauce and the sidings of corn and carrot niblets plus the mashed potato finally made my day. I would have gotten the lemon shrimp and pan seared scallops at Quincy Market in Boston, if I am there, coz it was one meal I could not forget in times like these.

Out of reverie, I went home iPod clad, and attended my re-scheduled choral rehearsals. We were fine-tuning the piece from Madz’s Acclamation album, “The Lord Bless You” when I got another surprise text message from Chewy. It has been almost like a month since our last chat and I have grown weary during that time. Once again, my feelings of apprehension towards the inevitable reality of death simmered away as we began exchanging texts over the net. We were both excited talking, knowing that another chance at life and of love were given to us, especially for him. We were so peachy and cheesy chatting and almost hurt our tummy’s laughing over some silly jokes. Another grand time that was…

I am so thankful that until now, he continues to hold on and fight though I know he must have wanted to really let go. As the days go by, there has not any time that I am fervently praying for his recovery and begging to the Almighty to give him another chance at life.

The song “November Rain” from the defunct rock group Guns ‘N Roses became one of one favorite during their hey days, but then, instead of the rain, I would gladly say that good cheers and tidings came pouring in…

I couldn’t ask for more.

ANGELS in Victoria's...

2006-11-09T20:17:00.000-08:00

I have not seen the irrepressible movie “THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA but I am waiting for the arrival of my book from Amazon.com. Just like my hardbound special illustrated edition of the Da Vinci Code, I have to read it first before I indulge myself to its audio-visual presentation over IMAX or THX Dolby system. From there I can fully differentiate the details from the pages over the film.

Then I thought why can the devil wears Prada, so much so that an academy award winning Hollywood actor Meryl Streep portrayed it and remain ethereal? If such devious manifestation can allure audiences all over the world, how about the angels?

Funny yet appropriate, it is my absolute conviction that I really have to exalt the status of our endearing cherubs if it means saying titles like “THE ANGEL WEARS ARMANI…” and then it struck me! I remember I saw this marquee inside the Victoria Secret Store in Cambridge Mall in Boston, featuring supermodels like Naomi Campbell, Tyra Banks and Heidi Klum donned in their sexy, skimpy lingerie with enormous fluffy Angel wings to complete the ensemble. And who says angels can’t wear them?

Admit it or not, these pseudo-Angels walking the runway are much more alluring, captivating and irresistible to the human eye. It didn’t required them to spend hours of film shootings, reading and memorizing scripts and emoting the right expressions, just a two piece pink puny wardrobe would do all the works and wonders! And Voila! Hail to the ANGELS! The Good is still and will ever be triumphant no matter what they wear!

Eat you heart out Miranda!

CROCS..you gotta have 'em..!

2006-11-02T20:29:00.000-08:00

Few weeks ago, my niece and I decided to check on Rustan’s Debenhams, a new fashion mecca from London. More so, she promised me a pair of Havaianas since I got her new clients from our office for her American Express Platinum quota requirements. While choosing from the new set of neatly hung Brazilian flipflops, another set of oddly looking pairs of footwear caught my attention. After picking up the pair of Cartunistas, I checked on these CROCS. I remembered by blue Birkenstock slip on sandals. They looked the same especially with the shape, but these new footwear fashion have much more to offer, and so I’ve read. Hollywood Stars from Ben Affleck to Reese Witherspoon have been spotted wearing these sandals. Originally intended as an outdoor boating shoe from Boulder,Colorado, crocs have emerged into one of most phenomenal working sandals because of its slip-resistant feature. Not to mention the eye-catching colors to choose from, crocs have innovated footwear at the highest levels from sexy Athens flipflops, the All terrain shoe for cold wet weather, the beach sandal, considered to be the most famous of its kind, and other models like the Cayman, the Endeavor and the Georgie boots.

With non-marking soles and and weighs almost like a feather, crocs proved to be the most comfortable and fashionable footwear since Birkenstock and Havaianas.

Then suddenly, without much hesitation, I asked the saleslady to bring back my Cartunistas and replaced it with a black crocs Athens, much to my delight!...

Shouldn’t you get one for yourself?

It's just another HALLOWEEN night...

2006-11-01T21:10:00.000-08:00

When I was still working as a Chief Steward on one of the international vessels plying around the globe, celebrating Halloween is one of the highlights of my stay…because at one point during that time, I won the best Halloween costume!
I was disguised as the Hunchback of Notre Dame complete with the grotesque figure that anyone has ever seen. It was a painstaking work of art on my part but it paid off just for fun.

This particular year, I just put on my cowboy hat and decided to watch the kids around the block, donned in their chosen costumes, anticipating what would be in store for them as they go trick or treating. My sister prepared two bucketful of goodies for them and I got the chance to throw it all away as they roamed our streets. It was fun seeing these children (and accompanying adults as well) wrestle their way off to get hold of the candies and chocolates being hurled over and scattered on the ground.

After the traditional trick or treat, home is where my heart is. I couldn’t seem to enjoy the essence of it all, not like five years ago. There was something missing, which I could not comprehend. Was it the real ghost haunting me and making me feel miserable or it’s just the ghost within me that tells me to feel this way?...
I used to go and visit our loved ones gravesite during the night of the Halloween. I am also in charged of arranging the flowers for the tomb, spending extravagantly and personally picking it up at Dangwa. But then, this year, I really don’t know what has gotten over me that I decided to stay at home, pour myself a hot Swiss Cocoa with Marshmallows, and just play couch potato over night watching re-runs at HBO. I lighted a scented candle remembering the advertisement from the news that if one cannot really make it to the cemetery, might as well stay, pray and light a candle. That’s it. The following morning, I got up early and heard mass. I prayed so hard that I almost sensed myself talking to our departed loved ones, or was I?...then I realized that it wasn’t such a bad idea at all having stayed at home, reminisce the past, rekindle old flames and hope for another HALLOWEEN…

The Club, The League and The Chorus...

2006-10-22T21:34:00.002-07:00

It was very loooong day for me…

As early as 7am, I was already up and savored the chilly breeze of the Siberian wind coupled with the invigorating and vitamin-D activator morning sunshine. My itinerary for that day was so hectic but nonetheless, I was able to meet them all in stride.

The first stop was the orientation and briefing of students for the study club in our Parish. I was in charged to facilitate the English Club. It was the first meeting so there isn’t much to say but the usual guidelines and getting to know my students. Some paper works to fill up, waiver forms, schedules and tutorial assignments. I was given four perky primaries from the public school in our community and initially explained to them expectations from the study club. It wasn’t really a formal lesson but an augmentation of their related learning experiences giving emphasis on the fact that we are just their big brothers and sisters to help them in their everyday lessons, play a little, and remind them that God is always with them.

After the orientation, I went home and rested a bit to prepare for my second appointment. My mobile fone was also busy receiving text messages from TCC personnel, assuring me that the venue and its facilities are already available for use. I was relieved upon knowing it. Without even eating lunch, (though I had my usual bowl of Apple Cinnamon Quaker oats that morning) I met Choi at McDonalds and proceeded to the gym to check on everything and the players, who were already complaining about the time and some petty stuff. The college was very strict in implementing their rules and regulations especially with time and non-smoking policy, but there were still some Fab members who were really cranky and snooty about it and kept violating such, much to my dismay and embarrassment. Thanks God that my friends from the college were so understanding and accommodating that somehow they let it pass and reluctantly ignored them. While we were busy preparing and organizing the teams, I received a text from Chewy asking me to go on line. I was so glad that I heard from him again yet frantic that I might not be able to log on and chat with him, as I cannot find an internet shop somewhere. I replied once explaining my situation that and I believed he understood it. After so many fuzz, the games started. Our team, aptly called SPANKERS was the first to play against Kopi breakers. We won and that was it for me.

I had to leave after that, as I have to go and join my choral mates for the competition. I took a quick shower, get my choir robe and headed for the church. We arrived at the competition venue, attended the mass and did the necessary run-through for our performance. I was so stressed up that tummy ached realizing that I have not eaten anything. My best friend gave a hamburger and finished it ravenously! The program started with the usual opening number, messages, introductions and intermissions. Then our turn came. We were third on the set and before going, be huddled and said a prayer. The lights and the applause of the audience were blinding and deafening. It was one of our greatest performances ever! Since it was a charismatic group, our repertoire was very much different from all the contestants. Yet, we ended up being the 1st place among the 5 groups. First place because there is still a champion, the group that came from the same organizing committee! We do not want to believe that we were downplayed but the audience and other contestants were clamoring for us to bag the title. It was a hometown decision and we cannot complain. It was somehow God’s will. And we gladly accepted the award. We went home, hungry yet still happy. Our parish priest, and other parish workers were texting us extending their congratulations and support. Love flowed freely on the air. We felt it in our hearts…

I knew HE felt it too…

An ANGEL in my midst...

2006-10-17T03:38:00.000-07:00

I was lounging comfortably on my couch watching my favorite soap on TV. Once again, i had a long day from the office since the issue of suspension was till hot and steamy and the situation is volatile. Remember the political shindig?

Oddly enough, I was always checking my celfone, fully charged this time, anticipating every text messages that arrived. I knew that one way or the other, Chewy will text me this day for it was our 4th month anniversary! Then not long after the soap ended, the text came. As usual, I replied with so much eagerness and longing, that I almost trip over on the way to a computer shop and hurriedly logged on line for our much awaited live voice chat.

Incidentally, he was not feeling well that time. He told me he had a throbbing headache that he wanted to bang his head off. He wanted me to know that despite his illness, he needed to talk to me since it is our special day and he would not miss it for the world! How sweet, but i felt guilty about it. I asked him if its okay to continue and that he should prolly be resting now, but he refused and resume our talk.

During the early part of our conversation, he asked me if I could activate my cam because he wanted to see me and I reluctantly agreed coz I felt I am not in my best element that time, more so, I dont actually look good on cam. Whatever! Still, I put it on with a happy face coz i dont want to disappoint him. We were teasing and practically smooching each other. For the first time, we were laughing so hard that my tummy ached. We were so happy reminiscing our past petty quarrels and everything in between. We even asked each other's Ex's with a tinged of unwarranted jealousy and then even came to a point to become kinky then guffawed at each other's remarks. We were like kids at play! It was liberating to see and hear that he was enjoying every bit of our conversation, just like the old times when he was still doing fine and dandy.

The thought of Christmas filled in the air. He asked me what would I like to have for a gift and I replied coyly that, he, being well and heading home would be the best gift I could ever have. Then he flashed a YouTube link on the screen and asked me to listen to the song. It was Guy Sebastian's ethereal rendition of "ANGELS BROUGHT ME HERE". I was so moved and almost cried when he added saying. " I will always be your guardian angel"...tagged with emoticons portraying a kissing bandit and a hugging angel.

After an hour or so, he finally made the call. He said he needed to rest as the headache is killing him. I agreed. I could not bear the idea of being happy while he was in pain. We bid our usual endless goodbye's with I love you's and I miss you's...the anniversary greetings...the kisses..the hugs...then he signed off.

For a while I thought I saw an angel passed by...

Angels Brought Me Here

It's been a long and winding journey

But I'm finally here tonight

Picking up the pieces

Walking back into the light

To the sunset of your glory

Where my heart and future lies

There's nothing like that feeling

When I look into your eyes

My dreams came true

When I found youI found you, my miracle

If you could see what I see

That you're the answer to my prayers

And if you can feel

The tenderness I feel

You would know

It would be clear

That angels brought me here

Standing here before you

Feels like I've been born again

Every breath is your love

Every heartbeat speaks your name

My dreams came true

Right here in front of you

My miracle

If you could see what I see

You're the answer to my prayers

If you could feel

The tendernessI feel

You would know

It would be clear

That angels brought me here

Brought me here to be with you

I'd be forever grateful (oh forever grateful)

My dreams came true

When I found you

My miracle

If you could see what I see

You're the answer to my prayers

If you could feel The tenderness I feel

You would know It would be clear

That angels brought me here

If you could see what I see

You're the answer to my prayers

If you could feel The tenderness I feel

You would know

It would be clear

That angels brought me here

FRIDAY THE 13TH, not so freaky...

2006-10-17T02:57:00.000-07:00

The so- called day of madness, badluck and freak show- Friday the 13th circa 2006 has once again proven its effects to numerous people living in this lowly planet. Various freaky Friday stories were documented and publicised around the world relating its weirdness and demonic manifestations. From freak accidents to simple case of bad luck, this day has a reputation to brag about. And i have my own experience to tell...

Its not that i dont believed in this highly superstitious concept about Friday the 13th, nor I disregard being cautious when the day arrives, but neither wont hurt us too. Until, oh well, last Friday...

My usual day at the office started just as hectic as it supposed to be. Piles of work, deadlines to meet, people to talk to and surprisingly that day, we were painstakingly waiting for the elusive suspension order of our beloved Mayor from DILG, so you cant imagine the throngs of people here in the City Hall. But then until now, it hasn't been serve, yet.

After office, I went home and prepared myself for our scheduled choral practice at our Parish. We were really rehearsing so hard coz we are joining a chorale competition come next week and needless to say, we wanted so much to win, as we badly needed the prize mnoney for our Music Ministry activities. I would admit that the thought of facing a bad luck this particular day have crossed my mind but did not gave much attention to it. It is more like " Thanks God its Friday" thing...

When my choral mates and i were walking home, they decided to dropped by my place for a while for a requisite snack and maybe light dinner, which I vehemently denied them off. But just the same, i served them some food and had tete-a-tete. I instinctively left my celfone in my room while preparing their food and forgot about it until we have finished with everything. When I checked it after an hour or so, I was so surprised to see that i have like gazillion messages from Chewy practically begging me to go on line coz he wanted to talk to me again. I replied and hurriedly ran up to the nearby internet shop to log on to YM, but to my disappointment, he was laready off line and jusy left messages in my inbox. The messages were his usual sweet accord but with a touch of uncertainty, because he waited long for me until he got tired. Then I thought that it was perhaps my share of the freaky Friday brouhaha. I was so sad and guilty that for the first time that day, i was a hand away from my only lifeline with my boyfriend. I explained my side and said sorry adding my usual I LOVE YOU...But the story did not ended tha day, it happened the next day, Saturday, same time, same circumstances. We were having a briefing and orientation of the competition and watched our friends from Don Bosco practiced thier pieces for their upcoming concert. I was not able to go on line and talk to him but rather replied via SMS. Moreover, much to my amazement, my celfone finally gave up on me. I have to asked my bestfriend to lend me his fone so that I can insert my SIM and continue texting Chewy. God knows I have tried so hard to find an internet shop around the vicinity to no avail. At least this time, though very limited, I was able to feel once again, his presence, more so knowing that he is still holding on and fighting. Our SMS exchanges ended with an assurance of the same love and affection we felt for each other.

Today, 16th of October, we are celebrating our 4th month anniversary. And I am waiting patiently for his message asking me to log on again and talk on this special day.I guessed no more freaky Friday stuff would affect us since I am already glued to my celfone. But then, who knows?

One Political Shindig...

2006-10-12T20:30:00.000-07:00

My return to the political arena has brought back familiar scenes. I have witnessed and experienced the worst, the best of this highly criticized science of government for over six years now, and honestly, somehow I have missed it. Not because I wanted to go back to the streets again and heckle complaints, but because I am at the tipping point where political maturity have finally reached its destination. My stint as a former Executive Assistant to the late Vice Mayor Toro Yabut, and now as Consultant for Community Affairs to the Sangguniang Panglunsod under the Office of the Mayor has its perks and doldrums. As of press time, the Mayor and his council are up to their necks facing what they call “Festival of Suspensions” erringly perpetuated by the Arroyo administration. Endless black and white accusations hurled against each other, political mud slinging scattered all over the tabloids and broad sheets and all types of media blitz have been hanging like cloak and dagger to both parties.

Every player involved has its own rebuttal to say. Every issue thrown has been dissected to its minutest detail. Moreover, the test of wits and strategy has almost breached its moral implications. People are clamoring for reforms, for changes, for drastic measures just to put food on their table. Yet, vox poluli still cannot be heard.

At our end, this perennial political shindig brings forth a thousand year old question, cui bono? To whose advantage? Will this festival of suspension generate jobs? Eradicate all the Trapos in the government? Alleviate the economic ills we are currently experiencing? And eventually make Juan De la Cruz’ life worth living? We will never know unless it happens. It’s like listening to Ms. Kris Aquino’s famous game lines, “Deal or No deal”? and the bankers offer is just a penny for your thoughts...

No matter what the cause maybe, there will always be One Voice we could listen up to, Vox Dei. That is, no more no less. Let us ponder on this haunting sound and see if it breaks those emergency ringers in our heads and our hearts.

For once, let us listen.

So long..Thomas Joseph Da Silva..

2006-10-11T21:32:00.000-07:00

During my active days as a regular chatter of Fab, I have met many gay people from all walks of life. Moreover, I cannot forget meeting Thomasito on line.

Reluctant at first, I must have intruded one of his private issues that time. His lingering bouts with brain tumor. At that time, my current boyfriend and I have been plain friends and enjoying each other’s company also on line and through frequent SMS messaging. And during that time that I have learned about Thomasito’s illness, I have been plague with the same nagging thought as to what kind of sickness did my boyfriend acquired coz he was just complaining to me about headaches, body malaise, hematomas and hoarse voice. It never crossed my mind that he too suffered with cancer, blood cancer for that matter.

Thomasito and I became friends at that instance and even became closer as he regularly called me “kuya Crook whenever I entered the room. After the routine exchanges of casual hello’s and how are you’s, we shifted discussing his condition, the various and laborious expensive treatments he has gone through, the ill effects it has and how his frail body reacted to such. I admired his strength and perseverance. The way he answered my probing questions made me realized that Thomasito was one hell of fighter. He never budged. He never gave up, until this morning. I felt so guilty coz one time, he asked me if he can join me attend the Greenhouse Chill Party last July, but I declined as I was concerned about his status. We could have met personally that time but it did not happen.

Now, he finally gave up the fight. However, I am sure Thomasito is so happy and relieved to know that aside form his loving family and relatives, there are still hundreds if not thousand of friends that cared for him and loved him all these years. If may not be his friends from Fab, but surely, all those people whom Thomasito have touched and caressed during his fighting years.

As Thomasito will start a new life and a new road to travel, let us not forget the same paths that we have crossed with him altogether. Let us remember that life does not end with death but rather another awakening to a destination called heaven.

Yes, I do believe Thomasito is in safe hands now. We might, as well start doing our part in making our lives more meaningful as we, too, will cross the same road that our dear brother and friend Thomasito have trekked now.

So long my dear baby brother, hope to see you again. God speed!

MESSAGE in a Pillbox...

2006-10-08T22:02:00.000-07:00

First Friday of the month. Our choir is scheduled to perform for the Eucharistic Celebration at SJMV Parish. Incidentally, it is our first anniversary as a Parish Chorale and the wedding anniversary of one of our members. We were also assigned to offer during the Mass. Our Parish priests commented on our achievements and have expressed gratitude on our efforts asking us to continue what we have nobly begun.

Later that day, I have received instant messages from my YM SMS. It’s from Chewy! My fone have incessantly beeping relaying his messages asking me to go on line or at least reply to his SMS, which I hurriedly did. An endless “ I love you’s and I miss you’s…and he asked me to go on line that night as he would like us to talk. I was ecstatic. Overjoyed, knowing that his still alive and loved me despite my constant anxiety, fear and hopelessness.

After the Mass, we proceeded to the house of our friend and ate dinner. Our customary sing along with our organist playing soulful music ensued. I was frantically waiting for Chewy’s message. And it finally came around 9pm. Thanks God that my friend has a pc and an internet provider. Therefore, with out much further reluctances, I logged in and our chat ensued.

It has been almost a month and a half since our last conversation. I was worried sick then since a few days ago, his cousin told me about another death in their family, his Aunt who succumb from heart attack. After our usual terms of endearment, I could not help but asked if his okay and he replied with so much zest and gusto. I did not comment on that area since I knew that it wasn’t the truth. I could almost sense that his weak and been trying to hold on and been fighting hard with the devastating illness he had. I know he just wanted me to believe that everything is alright, much to my pain and agony coz I could not do anything to help. The truth of matter was that during our conversation, he was already giving signs that he was not really fine. Lines like “ may be I would be here till Christmas’..or..” had a hard time moving coz im lying on my bed…” and worst was..” I’m trying to hold back my tears coz Mom is beside me…”

These nearly broke my heart. Actually it did. I was practically crying too but I did not told him, instead I asked him if he still wants to continue to talk since his already tired then. But he took it the other way around. A petty fight almost happened; jealousy was up on the air, that he signed off just like that. I did not budge. I waited. He came back but I could sense that his kinda’ mad and hurting. Me and my big mouth! I lovingly apologized and explained my side. But he said he really to go and sign out, though I know his still wanted to talk. He signed off thrice and came back thrice too. On the last time, I’ve waited but he never signed in instead left the usual “I LOVE YOU”. While waiting for him, I saw a pillbox near the pc table. It must have been the medicine of my friend or his children. But nonetheless, it dawned on me. It was clear. The pillbox reminded me of Chewy. And the pill was me. Eventually, the pillbox would be empty. However, it could be filled with another pill, maybe not for me but it sure is will be used by another kindred soul who is sick and needed to be reminded of his regimen. The message will remain from morning until night, from Mondays until Sundays, for the rest of my life.

PLAYING FOR KEEPS...

2006-10-05T20:45:00.000-07:00

I was buried deep to the novel of Nicholas Spark’s “Message in a Bottle” when the light went out and Milenyo started unleashing its wrath and fury over the metropolis. Damn! Even my ipod’s battery is almost at its lowest level but it still provided some musical relief. As I lay down on my bed, my eyes finally gave up and I drifted to slumber.

Clear visions of two people came rushing in. Holding hands, strolling the grounds of New York’s misty Central Park, the lovers were busy viewing everything around them, from the kids frolicking and giggling, a lowly budding artist making his opus, troubadours belting out songs of praise, teens roller blading, and a bunch of misfits perched on tree glued to the two old men playing chess on the park bench.. These familiar scenes suddenly brought me out of nap, and I remember the two lovers. Was it really me in the picture? In my dream? I never saw the lover’s faces but I knew I was one of the two. However, who was the other one?

In my existence as gay person, and having traveled halfway around the globe, I have met hundreds of people from different cultures. Ernie, the baggage boy from Wal-Mart, Antoine, the robust sommelier from Marseille, France, Pilipho, the lowly barista from Bilbao,Spain and how can I forget Christophe, the cute bartender from Gdansk, Poland. Others became my friends and had remained in contact with them. When I am done with my globetrotting days and finally took a sabbatical, I have rekindled my lasting friendships at home and have met few new ones along the way. Then he came.

I have finally decided to give it a try. I have been practicing what they call in laity’s jargon “single blessedness” for quite a time now, and when my heart opened up for someone I hardly knew and met, I have fallen head over heels with him. At first, since it started along the internet highway, (we met at Fab.com actually!) it was like a cat and mouse chase in a playhouse. In addition, I, as kitty was playing around and so did he. However, as the days wore on and lots of things have been said and done, the play stopped abruptly. Cards were laid on the table, sides of the coin were discussed, points have been made, silent vows and promises were kept.

I have missed Central Park. I’ve missed everything about New York. I have missed few episodes of Sex and the city. I’ve missed hot choco ice cream at Serendipity’s. I have missed the long and frenetic streets of Times Square, Manhattan 5th Avenue, the Broadway, and The Rockefeller Center. I have missed hearing mass at St. Patrick’s Cathedral, more so, I have missed the The Twin Towers. I was practically there when it was gutted down to ground zero. I have missed my long walks, the subtle yet pungent morning dew of the Big Apple. Yet, I have missed him. The playing stops and the agony begin. Will I ever be playing the same tune over again? Will I drown myself to helplessness once I take another routine walk down memory lane? Will I ever dream of the same feel good pictures on my mind?

I have to start a new play. One that will last forever. A play that will resonate through time and space. That will scour vague images of love once unsure. I have to start playing for keeps.

As October panteth...

2006-10-01T22:35:00.000-07:00

It was a panic-stricken Thursday morning. News flashed a night before that Tropical storm Xangsane locally named “MILENYO” will hit the suburbs in an unprecedented number of kilometers per hour coupled with a flurry of gushing winds one could not imagine...(another Katrina in the making..)

With the government at the helm, Storm experts relayed contingency plans to no avail. Still, a total blackout ensued, classes from all levels were suspended, both private and government offices closed, people stayed indoors while others opted to witness another nature’s wrath and suffered the consequences. After Milenyo gave its last breath of disaster, the scenes around the metropolis looked like from the movie “The Day after Tomorrow” sans Jake Gyllenhaal and Dennis Quaid about to save the day.

Ironically, at the comfort of my own home, watching the storm unleashed its fury brought back memories of my turbulent past. I could not but feel that as the days get nearer to the much awaited yuletide season, things were slowly going down the drain for me, not because I chose to, but circumstances dictates it. The gamut of emotions that has been plaguing me since I got involved with Chewy have started to manifest more so with his incognito status until now. I could only hope, pray and hold on to promise he made that things will be just fine.

Thanks God that last Friday, the day after the storm, my spiritual adviser cum Parish Priest Rev. Fr. Jim Marquez celebrated his 5th Sacerdotal Anniversary. Our choir was tasked to perform during the high mass and we did it with excellence. Singing was my way of releasing tension and communing with Him tri-fold. Laudate Dominum or famously known as PSALM 150 proved to be both a challenging and inspiring piece of musical feat. Amidst flicker of incandescent bulb and humid atmosphere inside the church, our voices flowed in harmony emancipating whatever suffering and agony I have as an offering to the Lord. I steadfastly held on the notes of our choir pieces as I reminisce vivid images of Chewy and what might have been despite our dire situation. It was my only source of consolation in these trying times.

And now, as I trek another month of uncertainty, I must also keep my promise of holding on and being strong until another song will be heard and God forbids, another storm shall pass...

An Evening of Culture, Art & Philandering...

2006-09-25T22:19:00.000-07:00

T’was a night like no other…Fab partyphiles gathered in throngs to witness the first ever unveiling of Driedhenne’s one-man art show at the FAB BAR in Adriatico, Malate, last Saturday September 23.

The fifteen plus art collection of Benedict Sanches Garcia depicting the universal colors of life dubbed as LOVE: ACTION PASSION AND EMOTION clearly manifested the human element of every possible feeling there is especially the queers.

No less than Blaise Lim, the Marketing Manager of CA, The Library Bar Owner Andrew De Real and Top brass singer/comedienne Teri Aunor did the ribbon cutting ceremony.
The music of Vivaldi, Correli and Brahms filled the air while Fab and non-Fab alike started scrutinizing and perusing the paintings. The sponsors of the said collection have expressed heartfelt gratitude to the talent and perseverance of Driedhenne and re-affirmed another generosity in his next art show.

After the poetic ambience of that evening, the house dj of Fab Bar blasted familiar tunes and the party started. With all their usual flamboyance, the art show turned into another oasis of fun, booby-traps, and philandering sessions that tickled every funny bones.

Moi decided to drink my Mocha Frap and settled outside ogling to the scenes around me…turned on my new nano Ipod, listened and were drowned into my own artistic world...

Ciao!

Learning to LOVE DEATH....

2006-09-17T19:19:00.000-07:00

To date, this is one of the most morbid topics that I have to write in my entire life…Yes, I have been subjected and exposed to every situation under the sun but the thought of death and dying still gives me the creeps.

Every now and then, we are confronted with the issue of death, and consciously find ourselves twaddling to the idea but deep inside, we are totally afraid and unprepared.
It is in this light that I decided to blog this crippling notion, not only because of my recent involvement to this reality, but as a way of sharing the wisdom that goes behind it.

Pardonnnez-moi, but I am not in reverie nor in daze, I am just trying to bring some sense into this matter that has been laid out before me when I learned about my boyfriend’s condition months ago. Along with the paradoxes and ironies of it all, the concept of death and dying have greatly amassed various degrees of emotional responses from people in all levels of our social strata. For the rich and filthy rich, it was a showdown of beautiful flowers, get-well cards and parties, and eventually sculptured metal and rosewood caskets plus elaborate necrological services attended by bitches in black dresses donned in hats and gloves. Do not forget the catfights in the boardrooms after the burial because the last will and testament was undeniably rigged. For the poor, it was as cold as ice. Choice between the traditional “banig” and mere blanket will suffice the resting place of the deceased loved one. Candles burning over a glass of empty Nescafe, if not for early political campaign, funeral wreaths would have disregarded. Thanks to the candidate who gave one, at least for the sake of knowing that he is running for an office.
Nudis verbis, it was so depressing, the sight of a poor man’s wake.

It occurred to me, recently, that is just a matter of expressing the real and raw feelings of having someone wait to die and continue living the memory. Not all other things related to this mourning ritual would matter at all if the heart were not into it. Death and dying are sensitive issues yet inevitable. However, how can one learn to love death and the prerequisites? It will start with you, us, and those who will be left behind. It is a fact that people undergoing this experience will face certain stages of anger, denial, and betrayal before they could accept the fact that they have to go peacefully. Under these harsh realities, comes the idea of pouring out all the love, care and understanding we could muster so that we could learn that death and dying was just another level of life all of should have to go through in the end. I for one have tasted the same bitterness and scrutiny from my boyfriend, but despite of it all, I never budge. I stood on ground realizing the complexities of his dire situation. Sometimes it was hard to understand and comprehend but if you focus on the love that has magnified the whole sense of it all, surely, his passing through will be as peacefully and painlessly as possible.

Omnia vincit amor. Love conquers all things. Even death.

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY SWEETIE...

the GREEN-EYED MONSTER on the LOOSE..(again)...

2006-09-11T00:09:00.000-07:00

It was Green. It was vicious. It was scary. The green-eyed monster is practically on the loose again.

Every now and then, we could not escape the claws and fangs of this innate and very visible monster inside of us. Once it started opening up its jaws, drooling and desperately trying to devour its victim, relationship will certainly fall on its knees. Without the caution, this monster inside of us will just break out ready to take the jugular of one helpless prey. Then all systems fail. Death ensues.

Jealousy, whether warranted, verified, unfounded or baseless is one of the culprit why relationship fails. Statistically, 8 out of 10 reasons of jealousy occur in every relationship, whether familial. sibling, friendship and love. In addition, in all cases of jealousy reasons were unwarranted and baseless. Petty fights over a picture, simple messages and even the most trivial things happen.

Fortunately, there is cure. TRUST. One should trust a partner in all aspects of their relationship. Trust breeds control. It helps us tame our own monsters when given the full trust of the situation. HONESTY is another weapon. An open line of communication bridges all gaps and crumbles all walls. Each one of us should be honest enough to admit certain issues among ourselves and identify which one could bring about jealousy. If you are in doubt, ask. If you are unsure, ask. We may not get all the right and truthful answers but from there, we could measure its authenticity. From there, we could paint a picture of what were really trying to see. From there, TRUST and HONESTY could be well traced.

Please TRUST ME…..that’s all I ever need.

YOUR HEART TODAY....

2006-09-05T23:11:00.000-07:00

“….When there is fear I can allay
When there is pain I can heal
When there are wounds I can bind
And hunger I can fill

LORD, grant me courage
LORD, grant me strength
Grant me compassion
That I maybe your heart today..

When there is hate I can confront
When there are yokes I can release
When there are captives I can free
And anger I can appease

When come the day I dread
To see my broken world
Compel me from my cell grown cold
That my people I may be hold

When I have done
All that I could
Yet there are hearts I cannot move
LORD give me hope
That I maybe your heart today….”

GOD is so GOOD! As of press time, I have received an email from Chewy! Yahooo! He is so full of life than ever but I know that behind the happy words and assurances that he is well and A-Okay, I could still sense a foreboding that he is just pretending to be one. The last news I’ve got from his cousin still haunts me today but his email says otherwise and even asked not to mind Kath…In any case, I’m still glad that after 2 weeks of uncertainty and doubts, a ray of sunshine finally hovered above me…what more could I ask for?...His message were kinda’ long and full of sweetness and longing..He said he desperately missed me and have always LOVED ME…haayy…He also said that he’s sorry that he wasn’t able to answer my tons of mails because his busy fixing something (I wonder what would that be? but I sure do hope that its nothing to do with his illness) We’ll have a date tonight...@ YM...because he wanted so desperately to talk to me..Haayy

With all these events, it only manifested the great power of prayer. The painful tears that I have shed over the past 2 weeks were slowly being replaced by joys and gladness of heart, hence my title….YOUR HEART TODAY. It was in one of the song that has really touched my whole being when I learned about it and since has been one of my favorite liturgical communion songs. The word were so profound and uplifting so much so that I blogged it here.

I am so looking forward to our chat tonight and tomorrow night for that matter coz he will try again to go on line. I could not wait to hear his voice and I hope his on cam so that I could see him again like the loving presence of our God Almighty.

My happiness today could not be bought nor replaced by any other riches in the world because it is heartily given and endowed by God. I will continue the prayers for his speedy recovery though I know that at one point, he will finally join HIM above, but before that, I also know that things will be settled then and we will be prepared for the inevitable event in our lives. He is not giving up, so why would I? Just like the lyrics in the song, “our love will see us through”…

A REASON FOR LIVING...

2006-09-03T22:32:00.000-07:00

“..One of the reasons why people hold on to memories so tight, is because memories are the only things that don’t change, when everything else does…”

It was a hot and humid Saturday afternoon. Just listening to my newly acquired CD of MADZ entitled ACCLAMATIONS. A couple of my friends were texting me with their usual forwarded quotes that somehow made me contemplate on certain events that has happened in my existence not just as a gay person but a loving and longing partner.

Later that day, I received the most shocking and heart breaking news of all time. This is it. The one thing that I have feared most since being involved with a sick boyfriend. Medical science has already given up to his case. The dreaded word “ hopeless case” kept ringing on my ears. It was like a cloak and a dagger penetrating my core and succumbing me up to my last breath. I nearly broke down but I remembered his last message telling me that I should be strong and that what ever happens he loves me more than life itself. Eventually, I cried a river of tears, much less an ocean. But it couldn’t help him, no one could. He is finally dying and his time is running out.Then I prayed, so hard that somehow, I found myself almost questioning HIS DIVINE decision of letting this tragic and unfair thing happened.

As the day wore on, I was bombarded by text messages from his cousin that I should start preparing myself to the inevitable part. I couldn’t agree to that notion. What pains me more is the thought that I couldn’t do anything to help him. God knows how much I wanted to be with him in this hour, but time and distance were preventing me to do so. His in another part of the globe and I don’t even know where. I practically begged to his relatives to give me his address and even emailed him afterwards with all the love, understanding and compassion I could muster. But I’m not sure if he still have the energy to read it since I was told he had drastically changed after a series of ravaging chemotherapies and other treatment modalities.

That night, I went out with a friend to take a breather, to unload, to forget. But after a couple of drinks, casual conversations and few laughs, everything sank in. I’m back to the same reality which I could never escape. Aside from the keuboard of my PC,the only link I have with him is my constant prayer. The only reason I have to live, be strong for him and continue loving him till God knows when. And yet I am still waiting, holding on, fervently praying and hoping that at this very moment, I could still hear his angelic voice, telling me that everything will be alright just like every time he used to say, and finally seeing him so alive and so well, though I know that in just one butt of an eyelid, I could lose him. But I know God will hear my prayers and will send HIS messenger that finally, my boyfriend still have that one more chance OF LIFE to be with me forever…

SEPTEMBER MORN still can make me feel sad...

2006-08-30T22:46:00.000-07:00

…The 9th month has finally arrived. The early morning chills had started creeping up my windowpane sans the snow. God I missed the snow during this time of the year. I could still remember my pre-Yuletide season in Canada, New York and Boston. It was this time I have started wearing my winter coats, boots with matching gloves, scarves and earmuffs. I bet GAP and OLD NAVY had started releasing their winter-fall collection this month or earlier. Trooping these stores plus other malls in the vicinity was one of my daily routines, rummaging through piles of sale items, yet one way or the other manage to buy new ones at the expense of my reliable GAP and OLD NAVY credit cards, and few extra bucks saved from my meager income…

Now, I am here. Seasoned jetsetter in my own right and passion. Reminiscing my good old times back then when nothing was on my spotless mind but the joy of shopping till I drop, meeting new friends, work 8 hours a day, sleep, pamper myself with the latest beauty concoctions from Victoria Secret and Bath& Body Works, an occasional Merlot after dinner and late night snacks of scones and Tetley tea or red rose.

But then, I guessed I’d still have reasons to enjoy these luxuries, laugh at my friends jokes and be merry since I got back here 3 years ago. My family and close peers, my work whose already taking its toll on me, yet somehow satisfying coz I have my own time and be my own boss at times, new found friends on line, my renewed church vocation and yes the chorale, but most especially, my new found love of my life…Chewy..

They say there are more reasons to celebrate the coming of the so-called winter-fall-autumn months, aptly dubbed as “ber” months in Pinoy jargon. The anticipation of Christmas and New Year seems so alive and effervescent amongst every heart, despite the perennial political & economic problems facing this great country of ours. And along this lines, why am I so weary since I am supposed to be joyfully humming the carols lined up for us to rehearse? I could only hope and pray, as I always do, that every September morning starting today until God knows when, could be well spent not only with my immediate family, relatives and close friends, here and overseas and most importantly, THE ONE from the Land of the Rising Sun, who’s dealing with the ups and downs of his lingering illness and homesickness both from his own family and from me.
Seeing him and eventually be together would be my first item on my Christmas wish lists this year. If I’ll be given the magical chance to make a wish, I would make the same wish over and over again until another September morn will wake me up with him, wrapped and coiled up together on our bed, looking at each others eyes, whispering the same endearing words, and vowing to the same promise we made, and wishing each other unconditional love on an early Christmas morning…

Mad over MADZ !....

2006-08-29T22:10:00.000-07:00

Until now, there were still dark clouds hovering above me as I continue to discern logical explanations of my long distance love affair….not that I don’t love him, but the issue of him being sick made all matters worst…

As a therapy, not only to my aching and crooked back, I always attend to my chorale rehearsals every Tuesdays, Fridays and Sundays, after the requisite obligations. Every time we rehearse, its as if my doldrums are being swept away…Liturgical songs are really therapeutic especially to a lonely, longing heart…

We have started practicing Christmas songs since the month “Ber’ is almost here and chill breeze have slowly kissed the morning air…and we will be having another caroling sessions and the most awaited year-end concert at our parish…keeping our fingers crossed..

At one practice session, Jovel, one of my co-Tenors, informed us that The Philippine Madrigal Singers will be a having a free concert cum album launching of their new CD entitled ACCLAMATIONS, at the MEGA MALL TRADE HALL.. .unfortunately, we weren’t able to watch it, though we wanted to every time there’s a chance.. Surprisingly enough, Sunshine, one of the Altos of the group had already gotten a copy of the said album…and I borrowed right away…and have asked Tito Nezz to burn one copy for me

Its been two nights ago since I heard the Madz new cd in my audio system… I could believed what I’ve heard…its as if there were angels singing in my room and their song pieces were also some of the pieces we’ve been desperately trying to perfect…Listening to them made me realized certain things- that no matter what the situation you are into, a moment of prayer and a praise could do big wonders to one’s troubled-laden heart and mind…

And as a tribute, I am posting an article from their website for you to check out and listen to their endearing soulful music that is unique and definitely world class…

PHILIPPINE MADRIGAL SINGERS

No need for lengthy debates--it is a universally accepted fact that the Philippine Madrigal Singers is one of the world’s best choirs after having consistently won all the top prizes in the world’s prestigious choral competitions for the last 42 years.

The Philippine Madrigal Singers (affectionately known as the “Madz”) was founded in 1963 by National Artist for Music, Professor Andrea O. Veneracion. The Madz is mostly composed of students, faculty and alumni from the University of the Philippines. The group’s trademark performance stance, singing in a semi-circle without a conductor, is instantly recognizable. A standard Madz performance clearly exhibits the seamless fusion of their musical virtuosity, technical proficiency and soulful singing. Their highly eclectic repertoire spans the breadth and length of vocal music: from Renaissance madrigals to the avant-garde, from Filipino and international folksongs to the latest pop hits, even from the most cerebral choral masterpieces to the most humorous of novelty numbers. This world-class choir can honestly sing anything with authenticity and professionalism while keeping their audience thoroughly entertained.

The group’s initial foray into the international scene took place in 1969 at the First Choruses of the World Festival held at the Lincoln Center in New York City with a critically-acclaimed performance that marked the beginning of a distinguished and illustrious musical legacy. To date, the Madz has consistently won top prizes in the most prestigious choral competitions held at Spittal, Austria; Arezzo and Gorizia in Italy; Neuchatel, Switzerland; Debrecen, Hungary; Varna, Bulgaria; Tolosa, Spain and Marktoberdorf, Germany. It was in June of 1997 when the Madz sealed their stature as the World’s Best Choir when they bagged the grand prize at the ultimate competition of global choral champions. The Philippine Madrigal Singers won over five other prizewinning European choirs at the Grand Prix European de Chant Choral Competition in Tours, France. Recently, the Madz won top prizes in the Certamenes Internacional Habaneras y Polifonia held in Torrevieja, Spain in 2004.

As Philippine ambassadors of culture and goodwill, the Madz have had the pleasure and privilege of giving command performances for royalty and heads of state. These include Pope Paul 6th, Presidents Gerald Ford and Richard Nixon, King Juan Carlos de Bourbon and Prime Minister Lee Kuan Yew.

The Madz have over 35 Philippine and international recordings.. Also published s the award-winning book A Life Shaped By Music that chronicles the life of Prof. Veneracion and the history of the Madz. Many of the Madz's original choral arrangements and compositions are also in publication.

This choral institution has produced more than 200 choral and vocal pedagogues from its ranks, actively and constantly shaping the local and international choral landscape. Madz alumni are much sought-after as singers, conductors, arrangers and music educators. Its corps of composers and musical arrangers continue to produce new compositions and choral settings of Philippine music, thus contributing to the global growth of choral literature.
As resident artists of the Cultural Center of the Philippines, outreach concerts have taken the Madz to far-flung areas seldom reached by most performing artists. Averaging two international concert tours per year, the Madz relentlessly engages in the promotion of Philippine music and the Filipino Artist globally.

Presently under the masterful leadership of Madz alumnus Mark Anthony A. Carpio, the Philippine Madrigal Singers continues to set new standards of excellence at a global level. Since their humble beginnings as a university-based chamber ensemble throughout their legendary rise as international choral champions, this 42-yearold cultural icon known as the Philippine Madrigal Singers has irreversibly cemented its stature as one of world’s best choirs for all time.

On the 5th Day, GOD answered my prayers...

2006-08-24T21:28:00.000-07:00

As I opened my mails today, I was soooo happy to find that there was a message from Chewy…a single yet profound message. I thank God that finally, after almost a week of longing, worry and sadness, HE answered my prayers.

The email was written on my past messages to him entitled “ why do I love thee” and contained these big bold letters saying “ I love you’s” and “ Mahal na mahal kita” quotes..

The reply was short but sincerely given….and was also written in red big bold Verdana fonts,to wit:

“ sorry kung di kita nasasagt kc my sakit aq sory tlga di nmn aq galit eh alm ko nag iicp ka nmn ng iba sori tlga ha…kung ngaun lng q nakasagt sau ah…ingat ka lgi wag mo pabayaan sarili mo ok mis uso much love u so much….basta w8 mo col ko na lng ok….love u more…”

I almost cried upon reading his message. He is really sick again. He is too weak to stand and maybe to frail..that gives the creeps…and I’m so scared. What is really happening to him ? Though I know the idea of having such illness like that, it still sends me to the pit of frustration, denial and anger why of all people, he freaking got it..i don’t have the answer…Chewy has CML…a rare form of blood cancer, which according to its nomenclature, has affected millions and left them for dead if untreated with aggressive and modern regimens. I don’t want to talk about this anymore coz it only pains me to think that I could be losing the one person that has changed my life so drastically and made what I am today. God knows how much I love Chewy and I don’t want him to die. I have been praying so hard for him so that he can get well soon enough and we finally see each other again…in real person…Yes, in flesh and in blood..

I’m still fervently hoping and praying that God will answer my prayer before HE finally rests on the 7th day…and its way to soon….I SHOULD CLAIM IT NOW MORE THAN EVER…

Waiting in Vain...

2006-08-23T21:17:00.000-07:00

I dont know but i suddenly opted to scribbled down this blog because I'm kida' troubled and worried sick about my boyfriend who hasn't been in contact with me lately...

It was unsual for him to just slipped away like that. No messages and even the most awaited fone call was getting to be unnerving....and scary..

It was his 4th day today but im not losing hope nor didn't want to give up..because maybe his just busy..or too weak to pounce the keyboard on his laptop because again his sick...i dont wanna think anything else like theres more to it but im praying and hoping against hope that i was right... Oh God whats happening to him?..Give me a sign please...i do really missed him a lot and wanted to say i love him so much...

I couldn't help but leave a very appropriate song in times like this...

I Will Be Here

Tomorrow morning if you wake up

And the sun does not appear

I, I will be here
If in the dark we lose sight of love

Hold my hand and have no fear

Cause I, I will be here
I will be here,

when you feel like being quiet

When you need to speak your mind, I will listen

And I will be here,

When the laughter turns to cryin

Through the winning, losing and trying, we'll be together,

Cause I will be here
Tomorrow morning if you wake up,

And the future is unclear

I, I will be here
As sure as seasons are made for change,

Our lifetimes are made for years

So I, I will be here
I will be here,

and you can cry on my shoulder

When the mirror tells you we're older,

I will hold you

And I will be here, to watch you grow in beauty

And tell you all the things you are to me

I will be here
I will be true to the promise I have made To you,

and to the one who gave you to me.
As sure as seasons are made for change,

Our lifetimes are made for years

So I, I will be here (We'll be together)

I will be here

" I will always be here CHEWY...always.."

Here Comes The BRIDE & The PRIDE in Manila...

2006-08-23T19:36:00.000-07:00

It was around half past ten in the morning when my bestfriend woke me up in my slumber.." Hey you lazy twat!..wake up..they're gonna wait for us in the Parish around 1130..we are going to the wedding..in Calaruega, Tagaytay.." In my usual reveille..I said "Huwaaaaaahhhht?!..No way i could muster up and be pretty in an hour!..But just the same, i woke up and hit the shower..

Along the way, we ate at Mcdonalds drive thru with just Mc shakers and burgers coz were almost running out of time..the wedding starts @3pm..Upon arrival, we were struck in awe at the sight of puny chapel with a grandiose design atop a cliff over-looking the mountain ranges and greens...It was awesome, the couple must have really thought about this special church for their wedding..it was simple yet lyrically classy...and of course we provided the musical background...The church of the Tansfiguration was basically transformed into the little CCP with our voices looming around the walls and sacristy...then it was almost 5 pm...we have to go back to Manila as i have to get ready for the ethereal party of the month...THE MANILA PRIDE sponsored by Circuit Asia, no less!..

So we didn't attended the reception at the Canon Woods which, according to our friends was more beautiful, including the food, but we managed to drop by at Mahogany Market, ate the famous bulalo, cripsy tawilis, chicharon bulaklak and for dessert, fresh pineapple slices and seniorita's...

It was raining cats and dogs when we finally arrived in Manila...thanks to Cris Andalis, our resident pianist cum Base part singer,who willingly shared his fone to me so that so I can text my pals who's gonna attend the Pride, and then CJ who's going to pick me up then.. ( My celfone practically gave up on me that time..batt empty! HMMMMP!)

I was like a SPEEDY GONZALES when i touched home...texted CJ again and asked him to pick me up arounf 930 then as i have to change and everthing...but we ned up going around ten...lolz! with my celfone, running on empty again!..

At the PhilTrade Center we were ushered inside for registration as we were in the Guest List..we were kinda' early though..Thanks to CJ again coz he let borrowed his extra unit and texted Jairuff...where the hell was he coz were supposed to meet at the area...then he finally arrived...with all the requisite intro's and brouhaha's, photoshoots ala Oscar's..the party begun...

The music were so good that you cant help but to dance and gyrate..May Bayot( i thought it was Frenchie Dy..hahahah )gave a stunning perfomance together with the sexy and effervescent acrobats..met the Fab people donned in their FAB GAB, which incidentally i wore also during the photoshoots..i must admit it was drag but it served its purpose and looked fabulous to some...lolz!

Did the same routine, talked, chirped, lambasted,choked, croaked, checked somebody else's butt or whatever, commented, sat, drank a couple of beers @ 75 bucks each! Not that we're complaining..but it was uh...too much? hehehe..bleh!

Finally got my GP mag and thanks to Igor amnd Blaise and other CA friends who accomodated us so warmly...MANILA PRIDE was a resounding success...my kudos and laurels to my friend Blaise...and MATTHEW is cute ha blaise...Uyyy..Goddluck pal...

Then, all of a sudden, my BF's cousin, Kath, texted me around past 2am..asking where i was and what am i doing and why am i still awake...Gosh!..i was bombarded with questions much like an interrogation session inside the garrison...haayy..but i still managed to give simple, direct and honest answers..And it suddenly struck my senses that I MISSED him so much...and what has he been doing lately...and that i am here enjoying the little time i got...I LOVE YOU SWEETIE...

My Fab friends..MERCI BEAU COUP for the time well spent during this PRIDE..Migs and Cris, Choi, Tobey who came late as always and brandishing Cutesly around..Barcode, CJ, for the fun ride...Zee and JC..for sharing funny talks..and Jairuff, who came all the way from Dagupan just to see me..thankies..of course the Fab pioneers. legendaries, mainstays,AND newbies like me..lolz...

See you next PRIDE...oh well...I wish!

FEEL FREE TO MOCK A BIGOT'S ARTICLE ON HOMOSEXUALITY

2006-08-17T23:24:00.000-07:00

Don we now our gay apparel’

By Isagani CruzPublished on Page A10 of the August 12, 2006 issue of the Philippine Daily Inquirerhttp://opinion.inq7.net/inquireropinion/columns/view_article.php?article_id=14837

HOMOSEXUALS before were mocked and derided, but now they are regarded with new-found respect and, in many cases, even treated as celebrities. Only recently, the more impressionable among our people wildly welcomed a group of entertainers whose main proud advertisement was that they were “queer.” It seems that the present society has developed a new sense of values that have rejected our religious people’s traditional ideas of propriety and morality on the pretext of being “modern” and “broad-minded.”
The observations I will here make against homosexuals in general do not include the members of their group who have conducted themselves decorously, with proper regard not only for their own persons but also for the gay population in general. A number of our local couturiers, to take but one example, are less than manly but they have behaved in a reserved and discreet manner unlike the vulgar members of the gay community who have degraded and scandalized it. I offer abject apologies to those blameless people I may unintentionally include in my not inclusive criticisms. They have my admiration and respect.
The change in the popular attitude toward homosexuals is not particular to the Philippines. It has become an international trend even in the so-called sophisticated regions with more liberal concepts than in our comparatively conservative society. Gay marriages have been legally recognized in a number of European countries and in some parts of the United States. Queer people — that’s the sarcastic term for them — have come out of the closet where before they carefully concealed their condition. The permissive belief now is that homosexuals belong to a separate third sex with equal rights as male and female persons instead of just an illicit in-between gender that is neither here nor there.
When I was studying in the Legarda Elementary School in Manila during the last 1930s, the big student population had only one, just one, homosexual. His name was Jose but we all called him Josefa. He was a quiet and friendly boy whom everybody liked to josh but not offensively. In the whole district of Sampaloc where I lived, there was only one homosexual who roamed the streets peddling “kalamay” and “puto” and other treats for snacks. He provided diversion to his genial customers and did not mind their familiar amiable teasing. I think he actually enjoyed being a “binabae” [effeminate].
The change came, I think, when an association of homos dirtied the beautiful tradition of the Santa Cruz de Mayo by parading their kind as the “sagalas” instead of the comely young maidens who should have been chosen to grace the procession. Instead of being outraged by the blasphemy, the watchers were amused and, I suppose, indirectly encouraged the fairies to project themselves. It must have been then that they realized that they were what they were, whether they liked it or not, and that the time for hiding their condition was over.
Now homosexuals are everywhere, coming at first in timorous and eventually alarming and audacious number. Beauty salons now are served mostly by gay attendants including effeminate bearded hairdressers to whom male barbers have lost many of their macho customers. Local shows have their share of “siyoke” [gay men], including actors like the one rejected by a beautiful wife in favor of a more masculine if less handsome partner. And, of course, there are lady-like directors who are probably the reason why every movie and TV drama must have the off-color “bading” [gay] or two to cheapen the proceedings.
And the schools are now fertile ground for the gay invasion. Walking along the University belt one day, I passed by a group of boys chattering among themselves, with one of them exclaiming seriously, “Aalis na ako. Magpapasuso pa ako!” [”I’m leaving. I still have to breastfeed!”] That pansy would have been mauled in the school where my five sons (all machos) studied during the ’70s when all the students were certifiably masculine. Now many of its pupils are gay, and I don’t mean happy. I suppose they have been influenced by such shows as “Brokeback Mountain,” our own “Ang Pagdadalaga ni Maximo Oliveros” (both of which won awards), “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy,” and that talk program of Ellen Degeneres, an admitted lesbian.
Is our population getting to be predominantly pansy? Must we allow homosexuality to march unobstructed until we are converted into a nation of sexless persons without the virility of males and the grace of females but only an insipid mix of these diluted virtues? Let us be warned against the gay population, which is per se a compromise between the strong and the weak and therefore only somewhat and not the absolute of either of the two qualities. Be alert lest the Philippine flag be made of delicate lace and adorned with embroidered frills.

...."FUCK OFF BUSTER!...YOU'RE A HOMOPHOBIC PRICK!..."

028293099/16.08.06/4:36 P.M./028209098/16.08.06/5:06 P.M.

2006-08-16T20:15:00.000-07:00

The fone rings: to the tune of MYMP's " I THINK IM FALLIN"...

" Hi Sweetie..Happy Monthsary..."

" Hi...same to you sweetie...."

" I love you so much..."

" I love you more..."

After a few days of waiting, the call which i was dying to receive finally arrived at the exact time, moment, day, though not actually at the right place, as i was enroute home via a commuter FX...so what?!...it served the purpose of being wise and sane during this times of Philippine Economic Adversity....the important thing was, i got home early with no glitches whatsoever...hahahahaha..and i was able to talk to my ONE and ONLY LOVE...Chewy..

I must admit that during that time, i couldn't get myself talk in a loud voice and say romantic things but my heart was pounding every seconds, every minute we talked...I was soooo damn HAPPY that during this very special day, we were able to at least hear each others voice, (once again) exchange views with our hearts and spirits and utter sweet words beyond your wildest imagination...it was very profound considering the fact that were miles away from each other..

The conversation was cut coz he has to get and reload another fone card ( which is by the way the only means he could reach me via mobile fone...haayy..Japan is so selfish..not letting Globe or Smart roaming capabilities over their airwaves...hmmp!)

When i got home, safely that is, he called again and this time...we were like two kids talking excitedly about our new toy, our new dress, new gadgets, and other new things around us....Teasing each other, caressing each other, kissing over the fone, with little bouts of petty jealousies and even rumor mongering...hahahaha! it was an early evening of pure joy and ecstasy because WE REALLY MISSED EACH OTHER SO VERY MUCH!

Then another interruption ensued, this time my fone nearly gave up on me as he was trying desperately to reconnect but we can't get through..Damn it!...until the 3rd time that I nearly summoned all the Saints from Heaven, that we eventually made it and talked again but this time, his fone card is running out of time...much to my disappointment..

As we continue our LOVE TALK ( is there really such a thing? Oh well...) we still manage to cover more bases of our relationship and decided to continue the conversation over the chat room via internet...He has to go home with his Dad, since he told me their at the mall buying something, aptly called Recylced Mall in Japan, i wonder why?) and i have to hit the gym this time, and attend the Bible Teaching our Parish have sponsored for us...so we bid goodbyes with endless "I LOVE YOU's" and "I MISS YOU's..." laced with " MAHAL NA MAHAL KITA" and INGAT KA PALAGE"....haaayyy.. He promised he'll call again...and we have to be on line around 8-9 p.m....

After my gym session, took a quick shower and attended the Bible Sharing cum teaching at SJMV Parish. I am always checking on my fone that it might ring again signalling that i have to go on line already, though i previously asked permission to our Lector that i may have to leave early for an important appointment, which they gladly understood. Around 8:37, a text came! but it was from my Orthodontist Bestfriend, Dr. Nolie Rimando asking me to go out from the Hall and get the creamy Razon's Halo-Halo he bought for me, and it was time for me to really hit the PC...

At home, i hurriedly open up my pc and log in to the site where we should talk. again. The connection was so slow that i almost threw the unit...but after a while of fuzzes, we met on line and chat one more time with the same loving intensity and romantic gestures...

Then he suddenly felt ill...he caught a nasty cold and cant breathe normally which made our chat kinda' tensed..i regarded it as his another excuse for having another person he had to chat with and a petty fight ensued..the usal drama of our relationship so to speak...but he aasured me there was no one but me and I believed him...so we decided to end the chat because he's not feeling well already and i didn't want hi to force himself to exhaustion because of his dire condition...our adieu's were basically the same sweet endearing words that we used everytime...same promises, same rituals....and we ended the chat leaving only the LOVE and JOY we felt on this day...

If there's one thing I've learned from the Bible Teaching I've attended earlier that evening was that, We have to take our own crosses and accept and love them..and it will be so light and so easy to carry on the way to our own Calvary...

I shared that thought with Chewy..and he thanked me for it...and even told him that i could always carry his cross if he felt he can no longer can....

CRAZY OVER YOU....

2006-08-15T20:16:00.000-07:00

I fell in love with you
T'was like a dream come true
And my LOVE for you will never end
Was such a special night
You lay right by my side
And I told you things I never ever told

And now that I have you babe
I promise I'll never leave
Coz you are the ONLY ONE that makes my LOVE complete

And I'm
Crazy over you
I dont know what to do
I'm Crazy over you...

A love that never ends
You're more than just a friend
And my heart and soul I'll always give to you
The only in my life
Someday you'll be my WIFE
And I'll be with you till the end of time...

And now that I have you babe
I promise I'll never leave
Coz you are the ONLY ONE that makes my LOVE complete...

It doesn't matter what you say or do
Because I LOVE YOU ( and I know YOU LOVE ME too)
LOVE ME..KISS ME..and hold me in your arms
Let me know that you're crazy over me
And I'm crazy over you
Coz you are the ONLY ONE
That make my LIFE complete...

*****This is the song the love of my life dedicated to me when we finally decided to commit ourselves with each other...When i came to realized the sincerety of the lyrics, I almost cried and have been my inspiration ever since...I hope you can bear with me with this entry coz its our anniversary and I would like to dedicate this song one more time since he's still far away from home..from me...I could only hope and pray that he'll be able to hear this with anytime now...I REALLY MISSED YOU SWEETIE...

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.......

SPELLBOUND: 2 Birthday's IN One Day..

2006-08-13T21:12:00.000-07:00

Alyssa Lyanne Orillosa Cuerdo: Age 7. Colegio San Agustin Makati. Youngest among the four siblings of my sister. Cranky. Snotty. Sweet and endearing little rascal.

After a night of rhinitis and gallons of juice, woke up early to check on the reception area. The Artist Pavilion of the Makati Park and Garden. Catering service, sound system. flowers, candles ,the works. All done. Then, around 9am. Visitors came pouring in. Classmates from CSA, Members of the Royal Dance, friends and neighbors. Then we realized that the catering service did not provide us the necessary cake for the celebrator. Booommm! Panicked!. Asked my Lola’s driver and Yaya to get one from Goldilocks, the nearest chain in the area. Unfortunately, upon going back, the driver accidentally hit another car! Much to my Lola’s dismay…what a luck!...so my nephew came to the rescue, settled the dispute and brought back the cake just in time for the candle blowing and slicing. Wheeoooow!..The program went fine except for the usual hyper-activity and temperament of the other kids involved. Foods were great but did not have the chance to eat at all. I am all stressed up and my nose still running on empty. It fun though, celebrating a kid’s bday especially the motif was Walt Disney.

Decided to sleep again after lunch but my hubby’s cuzin texted me and we had another text sessions. Managed to take a nap for while. However, Miguel called me up asking for my surname because he needs it for the gate entrance to their Green meadow’s abode. Then came Choi’s text about Miguel’s bday, asking about smart casual outfits. Exchanged texts messages again until I realized I have not done my haircut yet. It was gloomy, yet the local barbershop was full to the brim but my official barber gladly accommodated me first. It was time to remind Tobey about the occasion. I am supposed to pick him up over at Ministop Robinson’s Galleria and at the turn of circumstances, Warshy also called me up so I picked them up both and eventually headed for Migs place.

We must admit we were late, but no so late since Miguel invited a few of his close friends and relatives. The house was cozy, with traces of Indian and European motifs. In the garden were the main reception area was located, appeared an enormous tent much like of an Oscar Ball. The food was an array of sumptuous dishes but I adored the chocolate fondues. After the usual introductions to Family and friends, met other Fab friends who were exclusively invited and we ate together. Usual conversation ensued. Nevertheless, the best part of all was meeting Tita Ruby Rodriguez, Miguel’s aunt. She was the life of the party and you will never have dull moments with her. I also had fun sharing insights with Zee and his partner JC, who incidentally has not come out yet. Miguel’s house music nearly got into our nerves and Chris decided to change it. It was half past one a.m. and they were still dancing and having fun while I was glued to my chair having talk with Tita Ruby and sipping some Merlot provided by Tita Rose, Miguel’s cool and doting Mom. I’m still thinking about my BF, coz he doesn’t know I attended a friend’s bday. However, I am sure he will understand. After the party, we decided to check the Malate scene. It was raining but it did not bother us up especially for the Fab eXtremes who for sometime, have not done so much together since. In addition, this is another time for us to bond.
Saw the usual Fab crowd, beso-beso, casual hello’s or whatever…another round of drinks...checking the people (I did not coz I know someone will tell my BF that I; m doing it, hell no!) Met Blaise and we had a talk and you know whom…

The rain got us stranded over at Sonata’s until it was time to go…tired, back aching, CJ drove us home, Thanks CJ. You are such a dear friend…

Then, I slept the whole day..thinking about Miguel and Cris...how happy they were...and wishing i could one day felt the same way..with my very own BF...

then again...the chocolate fondue is still lingering on my taste buds...

The GREEK MYTHOLOGY of LOVE...an Excerpt..

2006-08-09T21:15:00.000-07:00

Do you ever wonder if you really have a soulmate? Do you ever wonder why there are gays and lesbians? Don't you ever wonder why some people love their same sex? Do you ever wonder why some people love their opposite sex? And do you ever wonder why these love are indestructible? Why do most people seem to cannot live without someone to love? And finally, why is it that people do not know what they have until it is gone?

Let me tell you about the Myth of Love... (",)It was said that before, in the origin of times, there were three sexes; male, female, and androgene. Original humans do not look like how we humans look today. Humans Before were said to be twice of each person now, with two heads, two pair of eyes,two pair of lips, four hands, four feet, two bodies, two hearts, and of course two genitals. Then, if the person has two vaginas, that is a female. If the person has two penis, that is a male person. If the person has both the two different organs, a vagina and a penis, then that person is an androgene

They said that androgenes were the most beautiful people among all Because they have mostly the best features and characteristics of both the male and the female. Because these people dream of being in heaven, even if they already have the heavens in their selves, they want to experience it even for just a little while. And so they climbed to Mount Olympus.Zeus got furious upon seeing the people going up the mountain. He said "How Dare these immortals climb our wondrous world? And to think I'd let them experience it! Especially now that they do not cherish of what they have!!!" He got so mad that he used his lightning bolts to cut each person in half to make them weaker enough so as not to continue on climbing. The God of Healers healed the wounds of the people cut in half. And from then on, everyone started to look out for their pair the moment they got down from the mountains.

This is why there is the term "soulmates". Their bodies, in which their souls rest, used to be one. Therefore soulmates. They said that this is also the reason why there are people who love Their same sex, the gays and lesbians. They are the males and females before. And this also explains why gays are creative, because they are both males before, they tend to concentrate on what they lack. The same thing for lesbians. Because they are both females before, they tend to be strong as not to be underestimated.

Androgenes would be equal to male and female lovers. That is why nowadays these couples are the most acceptable, stronger, and the most beautiful among all partners, they have the strength of both males and females. Lovers nowadays, whether gay, lesbian, or male and female couples, are indestructible because they are the pairs before. They are really meant to be.

This myth also explains why it is natural for people to just realize The value of the people they love only when they are about to be gone or Are already gone. Because this happened even before, and we become weaker without our pair. We realize that we need them, truly love them, and that together, we are stronger. This is also why we kiss. We always try to find the lips wherein ours Will fit well. This is also why we like to hold hands with the one we love, to find out if the spaces between their fingers are the spaces where ours used to lay.

Starting Over Again....

2006-08-08T21:16:00.000-07:00

"And when I hold you in my arms I promise you

You're gonna feel a love that's beautiful and new

This time I'll love you even better

Than I ever did before

And you'll be in my heart forevermore .

We were just too young to know

We fell in love and let it go

So easy to say the words goodbye

So hard to let the feelings die

I know how much I need you now

The time is turning back somehow

As soon as our hearts and souls unite

I know for sure we'll get the feeling right .

And now we're starting over again

It's not the easiest thing to do

I'm feeling inside again

'Cause everytime I look at you

I know we're starting over again

This time we'll love all the pain away

Welcome home my lover and friend

We are starting over, over again .

If we never lived alone

Then we might have never known

All the time we spent apart

All we did was break each other's hearts.

And when I hold you in my arms I promise you

You're gonna feel a love that's beautiful and new

This time I'll love you even better

Than I ever did before

And you'll be in my heart forevermore .

And now we're starting over again

This time we'll chase all the rain away ..

And when I hold you in arms I promised you
You’re gonna feel the love that’s beautiful and you
This time I LOVE YOU even better
That I ever did before
And you’ll be in my arms FOREVER MORE…”

So goes the lines of Natalie Cole’s “ Starting Over Again” hitmaker song during the 90’s that have been making raves over the airwaves even today…Thanks to 96.3 FM WRock who have been my constant companion in times like these….

The story of a love lost and given the second chance. Its really quite appropriate for me and my ONLY LOVE since our tragic break up a few weeks ago but then realized that we still love each other and after weighing up things, took it upon ourselves to be together again for whenever and wherever our love and commitment will take us…

I would love to post some excerpts of our email correspondences but bear with me, I really wanted it to be private and sacred.

Funny how things turned out after our fateful and uncalled break-up. We became more in love with each other, and much more open and trustworthy which I believed are the key elements of a long lasting relationship.

I could only hope and pray that these smooth-sailing relationship will continue till the end of time…who knows?

SJMV or FAB IDOL?...

2006-08-06T22:40:00.000-07:00

Just recently, there were two undoubtedly major events that came my way…one involving my spiritual nourishment and commitment, the other was more of a fun, enjoyment, and rekindling of friendship that has gone astray over time…I end up choosing the former.

It was the Feast day of our dear Patron Saint in our parish, SAINT JOHN MARY VIANNEY of Ars, and being involved with the Ministry for Liturgical Music, which currently I am the Secretary and at the same time being the Tenor 1 of the illustrious Parish Chorale, it was my duty and responsibility to take part in the Eucharistic celebration. It was a whole day affair, beginning around the first Mass of the day that culminates in a Procession and another Mass in the evening. Aside from the usual revelry of the celebration, it was emphasized that the day should a moment of prayer amongst the families. I would not say I am acting like a near-to-perfection-practicing Catholic but as far as I know, it is my way of giving back all the glory and honor that our God has showered me all these years. But I wouldn’t say also that I am not biting my teeth to really get into the Fab Idol and be with my friends one more time, belt out some fave tunes and take my chance as the next Fab Idol, whichever comes first…

I know that my close friends from Fab were so disappointed and even wanted to strangle me for standing them up but I am sure that they would understood my dilemma, much more my choice…

However, the best part of all, my prayers was answered. The following day, Superman called, much to my surprised. We talked on the middle of EDSA corner Ayala Avenue, as our car stopped because we ran out of gas on our way home. As were waiting for rescue to arrive, my fone rang, I knew it was him. We finally talked over and settled the lingering problem we have on our hands…we made amends, kissed over the fone, uttered and vowed the same promised we made eons ago… and it felt much more better than any Fab Idol compared….Thank you Saint John Mary Vianney….Thank you Fabuloush…..

DISSECTING the QUEER PINOY

2006-08-03T19:28:00.000-07:00

There has never been a time that we can agree on certain plane of understanding about the true nature of the Queer Pinoy. Since time immemorial, numerous studies, both scientific and conventional (and others by “mouth-to-mouth existence”) have offered various findings and conclusions about the Queer Pinoy. Articles from different schools of thought, ranging from Freud to Nancy Chodorow (and even Oprah), have given great relief in analyzing the complexities in defining the so called "gender X". But how about a Filipino view of the case? True enough, we Pinoys have a million explanations to present based solely on our individual experiences. But as far as universality is concerned, we can all agree that being gay, lesbian, transgendered or bisexual is nothing but a sexual preference or orientation, no more, no less. After which, certain degree of psychological, emotional and spiritual differences and even concerns, separate us Queer Pinoys from our foreign counterparts.Let''s see how a Queer Pinoy looks and thinks. Dissection now begins, where it matters most: the head.

THE HEAD

Anatomically, a Queer Pinoy brain does not differ from heteros. What''s lurking inside makes it more convoluted and enigmatic: to start, a Queer Pinoy brain:

—always has a hard time defining the true essence of being GAY, BI, EFFEM or Straight-acting, unaware that these are basically variations on the same theme

—thinks that being queer is an asset, not a liability—regards self as the center of attraction and always the life of the party

—taciturn at first but gradually becomes talkative when a juicy topic ensues—consider himself/herself discreet and formal though after a bottle of beer or two, starts gyrating on ledges and tables

—philosopical and logical but can''t be distracted from Bel-ami dvd's

—thinks he can outshine Regine Velaquez''s voice even when his throat starts bulging, veins and arteries ready to pop out anytime

—loves beauty contest to the point of actually joining the tilt looking "whatever!"

THE HEART

This is regarded as the most sensitive area of a Queer Pinoy’s anatomy. Take a look inside our heart:

—endures pain up to his breaking point

—considers love and sacrifice as one word

—resilient, tenacious but cunning at times

—adores family and friends even when “excommunicated”

—cannot make a wise choice between strikingly handsome and ruggedly hansome guys—and ends up losing both

—sees that love makes the world go round..and round..and round...

THE HIND (and FRONT)

The last part of dissection deals mainly on the Queer Pinoy’s ability to express his feelings that comes with these exciting appendages:

—acts on the premise of BASIC INSTINCT (either part 1 or 2 will do)

—succumbs to SEB''s then complains after

—internalizes the steamy scenes in Brokeback Mountain even though the real background is our infamous Smokey Mountain

—that love and sex are inseparable (at times!)

With my chin up, I am proud to be part of the most emphatic and adventurous species of Queers who ever walked this planet. We Pinoy Queers are surely the genuine expressions of our deepest emotions!

What About LOVE?...

2006-08-02T20:54:00.000-07:00

What if I took my time to love you?
What if I put no one above you?
What if I did the things that really mattered
What if I ran through the hoops of disaster?

No one would care if we never made it
We're in this alone so why don't we face it
There is no room to blame one another
We just need time to forgive each other

What about LOVE?
What about FEELING?
What about all the things that make life worth living?
What about FAITH?
What about TRUST?
And tell me baby...what about US?

How can I give this LOVE a new beginning?
How can i stop the rain? Its never ending
How do I keep my soul believing?
Memories of how we should be keep calling

I'll the rivers rise
I'll take the happy times
I'll take the moments of disaster...

THE SONG THAT SAYS IT ALL...MY SONG...OUR SONG...

Mon douleur UNMASKED....

2006-08-02T20:32:00.000-07:00

Now more than ever, the concept of pain has been plaguing all emotions known to man. However, the most succinct and obvious expression of hurt comes from the heart- our emotional seat.

For us queers, or for everyone for that matter, breaking up with the one you truly love comes with a big price tag of agonizing pain. The first episode dealt mainly on the process of rationalizing the dire situation you are into, creating a plethora of possible reasons that would identify the exact emotion you want to express. That is precisely
the feeling I have right now. In pain. Mon douleur

The hardest part was that I did not exactly want to end the romance coz I truly, honestly and painfully LOVE HIM. It is just that sometimes, our deceived emotions could no longer hold up to the kind of stress and outside scrutiny of the mocking eyes around us. Temptation may be one reason (on his part, not mine) that triggered this entire hormonal dilemma, since his still young, the only brood, and neophyte in the wizarding world of Homosexual love. However, age does not always a prerequisite to such learning, rather emotional maturity. I would not say I am old (like my pathetic detractors normally say) but a seasoned veteran to the Love department, but this case is an exception to the rule of thumb. God knows I tried to make the relationship worked, and so did he, but I guessed his playful nature, the narcissism that is still embedded in his ego always resurfaces when subjected to irresistible charm of drooling predators. I did not budge. I accepted the fact that it was just a normal hanky-panky thing from a 21-year-old raging bisexual. Of course, I had my share of the pie, being jealous and overly protective at times, but its freaking normal... MOREOVER, I LOVED HIM FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!

Then, I decided to give him his FREEDOM even though it kills me so much to do it. And I knew he’s also suffering so much because he doesn’t me to go. We still love each other and a friend can attest to that. The last words we said to each other were “I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH “and “YOU ARE MY LIFE”…then we went out of the room.
It was the same messages we sent to each other’s inbox’s. Then my tears fell.

A Tryst with LOVE & BETRAYAL...

2006-08-01T20:50:00.000-07:00

“MY BOYFRIEND IS DEAD”!....

It was the most painful part of the story, or so I thought. But it was not. It was just the beginning.

The affair was brief and unexpected and so did the rest of other gay love stories looming over the net. Two consenting gay adults, ( was my Boyfriend old enough to know such things?) crossed path in a chat room full of queers doing same things over and over again…hooking up with somebody and then maybe, in one single instance, find THE ONE they’ve been looking for in their pathetic lives. I thought I did. What are the odds?

“It’s complicated”, so says the status button. Well, it’s started out as a special friendship (sounds cliché’ but beats me) because he’s still the boyfriend of one of my friends, which I dearly loved. Texts. Calls. Emails. I had a virtual boyfriend that time but it was more of a long distance relationship. And I couldn’t care less when I finally decided to call it on officially with SUPERMAN (his nick) and watch my newly formed and blooming cyber world collapsed in front of me. Hiding it from my friend was more painful, but they’re relationship was bound to break sooner or later, not because of me but from reasons only Superman can attest. Break-up ensued between them. I wasn’t happy coz I am comforting my friend over the loss while he incessantly prowls the skies for another submissive victim waiting to be rescued. As we continue the affair, so does his rendezvous. Catfights, green-eyed monster hanging over us every now and then, until Superman finally called it off with me coz of my long distance boyfriend, which in reality is just a friend from my jet setting days. He wasn’t my boyfriend period. End of the story. But for Superman, who was furious then, didn’t bother to listen. He flew. I stayed. But he continued to send messages and homing signals much to my surprise. To think he has found another love-struck queer witch in a flash was the end of my saga. But it didn’t end there. In fact, the situation became my worst nightmare. The queer witch, as the story unfolded, have practically concocted a love potion, with a dashed of Kryptonite lies and demigod façade to lure our Man of Steel from my friend. And he did. Until the news came that Superman is dying from a complicated type of blood cancer. Upon knowing it, I took the liberty of making amends with him. We did came back in each loving arms without the knowledge of the queer witch and my friend (or so I thought). Then, one day, he just turned up dead. The Gayopolis buzzed. News Flash! My Superman is dead! I was devastated and so the rest of the world especially my friend and the queer witch. Little did we know that it was just a hoax. Until I received an anonymous call from Superman’s relatives that he’s still alive and has just gone off for treatment overseas, that he left a letter for me (of all people) explaining the whole story. I got the letter. I was happy yet giddy over the circumstances it might entail. What the heck! I continued to play kitty around, silence was my weapon, yet the stench of the news of his so called demise keeps me battling with my own ego, pride and conscience. We corresponded. We were happy seeing and talking to each other again. Love is on the air, that’s what was he told me to believe. But not for long. Daggers were flying, accusations were hurled against me. I didn’t budge. I fought even harder. Until the truth came out, not from me, not now, not ever. But from Superman himself who couldn’t wait to fly again and roam the skies and catch another gay Louise Lane in the making. And so secret was out, and the throngs of helpless victims led by the queer witch celebrated in frenzy. He even asked Superman to choose between him and me. What a bitch! (Were all queer witches like that?) The last call arrived not for me but for Superman’s trusting cousin and told her that I was the one he chose and that his afraid of loosing me upon knowing what he did. He said he was endlessly trying to get in touch with me but I didn’t receive any of those messages. His cousin told me about his reassuring call and begged for understanding. I made an effort to contact him and laid my cards on the table, but the queer witch was on guard shutting off our lines of communication. And what was left for me was this agonizing pain of being so trusting and believing in a thought that we are in this together. But wasn’t.

And now, Superman was no where to be found. And I was left hanging at the top of the building waiting to be rescued one more time. And then he finally came…and I’m all tears with the thought that this time, Superman’s return is for real and for keeps.

THE OMNIBUS CODE OF VANITY

2006-07-31T22:00:00.000-07:00

The French phrase “Le style, c’est l’homme..” (The style is the man) has a big influence on everyone’s fashion sense. Undoubtedly ineffectual to the stereo-type fashion fanatics and would-be- fashion voyeurs, such principle have greatly influenced even the non-conformist designer who ever graced this techy planet. Or is it so?

At this day and age, such vanities whether in the catwalk or in the spa, double standard always sets in. Obviously, the lowly employee cannot painfully afford to such luxury and self-pampering, which, on the other hand is the Blue Book of the so called filthy rich and famous. But the real question is, is it worth it?

I for one have been drooling over new trends and fashion forecast of some of my favorite local and foreign designer labels. Insanely true, I even registered myself to their mailing lists so that every now and then, I could be informed via emails about the latest, hottest, hippiest, trendiest and coolest collections of the season, off and on the racks. I couldn’t blame Oprah for instilling in me such idea of having to live your life to the fullest, with all the works and vanities available. But here’s the catch. It shouldn’t be as expensive as it may be, but COMFORT and personal expression of your fashion sense and style should be the key elements.

We may not have PRADA’S, Burberry’s. Herme’s, D&G’s, Vuitton’s, Versace’s. Armani’s, Gucci’s and others in our cluttered closet, but the feeling of comfort, easiness, free spirited aura that comes with a pair of clean and fresh jeans and baby tee’s’ couldn’t replaced any other over rated labels. Whatever occasion, be it in school play, office conferences and endless soirees, casual night out with friends, ( even the White Party or the usual Bed and Sonata weekends at Malate and Government) days of obligation, ( I meant the church..) we could be a model, a trendsetter, and an epitome of what fashion and vanity is, if we feel the enormous presence of people around us, smile at them, deal with them in the most appropriate manner, project the kind of person you are, and constantly say all the magic words there are.. Haay…remember, even the little black dress from whatever circa it was would be the most stunning piece of creation they have ever seen in their entire lives. And then one way or the other, someone will ask you, “Is that Valentino you’re wearing?”

I could only hear your guffaw, and your reply,” Oh well, it’s from UK...”

Go figure!

THE FAB, THE FOB and THE FOIBLES

2006-07-30T19:08:00.000-07:00

From the far sides of the world to the inner recesses of our brains, comes the harsh reality that all of us are destined to be Great, to be Weak and to Cheat. Such uncanny revelations are manifested not only when we talk or correspond with each other, but even so in our deep slumber to oblivion.

Surprisingly enough, the numerous Dot.Coms mushrooming in our internet highway has its own stories to tell, much more to revulsion of people operating and working on and with it. Fabuloush.com is one interesting piece.

I have been a member of Fab since, oh well I don’t exactly remember when. (Lemme check my profile...) But I must admit, and this I have got to say in all honesty that things around me definitely changed, both for the GOOD (which I felt so fabulous) and the BAD. Yeah, I have been around and about different people, places and events, but the super trooper Friends I gained from this savvy site have added up to my measure of what really are friends for in situ. These people that I was able to meet and exchanged our views with our hearts and spirits, per fas et nefas, have proven that even the most mundane things matter. We may have our so called individual differences, our exquisite uniqueness in every form and style, our conflicting stand on various issues under the sun ( even kinky gestures during pillow talks and bedtime stories) , but still, we agreed on the universal premise the we all share common grounds.

This perhaps is the most bold and ardent expression that I’ve got to make since I became a fab member. That after some mini or grand EB’s, (No SEB’s for me please...so self-serving huh..) casual personal conversations, long hours of chat, sending messages in ones inbox, texting and in any other forms of communication there is, a certain fob do exist. I have been constantly reminded by my Orthodontist bestfriend that Interface communications such as this can only get worst, once you finally throw yourself along the mooring lines of others who are willing predators. The results of which could only qualify from indefinable perversion, harassment, identity and property theft, mockery and worst, death. The submissive victim with his foibles looming around the chatroom, with his guards down and exposed, could easily be caught by his jugular and snapped.

Just recently, I had a very familiar experience which I could not believed will happen. Curses have been said, whitewash accusations have been hurled against me, threats have been served on a silver platter, yet I did not falter nor succumbed to such because I know the truth will set you free. It’s pathetic yet sad and frustrating but lessons have been learned. Yet, these characters will continue to hunt each one of us whether we’re ready, or willing or formidable, that remains to be seen. The only thing that matters NOW is the keen eye to spot one.

I may have to wear my glasses again, if not my contact lenses. Oh that reminds me, I love the hazel brown color. Its suits me…..